Another Confessional
by The RyRy
Summary: This is a metafic of Ikonopeiston's 'The Confessional', a journal style fic detailing Gippal's days in the Crimson Squad training camp. Complete.
1. Part One

This is a meta-fic tribute to the amazing Ikonopeiston… this fic, entitled _Another Confessional_, is parallel to her fic _The Confessional_ where she documents Nooj's thoughts in a journal style through the Crimson Squad training. Here, I am documenting the same events in the same fashion, except as typed from the fingers of 16-year-old Gippal. Enjoy!

P.S. The dates at the beginnings of the various entries into this journal are to be read as: year of the current Sin, month, day. So 197S9.8.42 is – the forty-second day of the eighth month of the ninth year of the one hundred ninety seventh mythical incarnation of Sin. (This is a system developed by Ikonopeiston, and I am following in her footsteps here.) Also, ahorizonatal lineindicates that there is a long break of time before the entry was continued.

P.P.S. There's a lot of Al Bhed in this fic, simple one-word segments. I've left translations out, but usually they're curses. 'Tyshat zuinhym!' means _Damned journal!_, 'lidea' means _cutie_, and 'cred' is the excremental curse word. They're usually not important and I'm not going to throw in any three-page dialogues of untranslated Al Bhed in here.

RyRy

**Part One**

197S9.8.42

_Tyshat zuinhym!_ Ugh, it's impossible to type in Al Bhed on this thing. The letters are all in the wrong place… I should just give up. I've got to get better at Spiran anyway if I'm going to fool these people.

Who am I kidding? They're all gonna know I'm Al Bhed. I should even just stop wearing the darkened goggles. It'll make it easier to see, anyway… I need to be able to see. I never could shoot straight with the goggles on.

Stupid eye. Stupid fuel injector.

Whatever.

Anyway, so I ran away. I couldn't stand the kidnapping Summoners gig, so I got out. Well, I tried to get out. They wouldn't let me leave until their 'mission' was over… it's all so pointless. It doesn't get anything accomplished, and it meant I had to hang out with Summoners whining about how evil we all are. WE ARE NOT EVIL. I'll bet the guys are just pissed that their top engineer just stood up and walked off in the middle of an ambush.

I just don't get it. What good does it do? Kidnap the Summoners, listen to them whine about 'the good of Spira', put them all in a room where they summon their big pets, and then they wind up trashing the place and getting away anyway. If they're gonna run off and throw themselves at Sin, let them. Their choice, even if it is the stupidest thing ever. We've all done stupid things; at least they're doing _useful_ stupid things.

So, anyway, here I am at some Crusaders recruiting camp. I signed in and they didn't even look at me funny, which is reassuring, I guess. Usually the Crusaders don't take Al Bhed, but since they're talking about forming some new force, I guess they're desperate enough for the heathens. They're assigning us into small teams with a recorder… I can't believe these Yevonites are consenting to the use of machina recorders. I thought they'd sooner shoot themselves than lay a hand on anything automated. Well, whatever, I'm sure Yevon's hiding plenty of secrets in their little _palace_ in Bevelle.

I guess it's back to waiting for my assignment. After that, we get weapons. I hope I get something good.

197S9.8.43

Assignments! My squad leader… he's half-machina! I can't stop _staring_ and I think it pisses him off – serves him right; he acts like he's got a gearshift jammed up his _yccruma_.

! He probably does! He's half-machina!

I wonder if his insides are made of machina too… I mean, some of them would have to be, unless it was some sort of complicated shielding mechanism. I doubt that… there aren't such things in existence. Yeah, we tried to make them, but they always exploded at the most inopportune times…

…unless he has a working one…

…no. Looking at him, that can't be it. That's a machina leg. It has to be! He tries to hide it with that clothing and that boot, but clearly his disguise is not working. I can _see_ it. And his arm… his whole shoulder. It's all machina. How is this possible? I've heard of prosthetic limbs being more extensively developed, but usually people can't walk with them, they're only for show. Is this some new prototype they've somehow managed to develop without me? And this guy isn't even an Al Bhed! How did he get his hands on something like that?

Bastards. Well, I'd be shot and my body's water reclaimed if I didn't take this opportunity to watch and learn how machina and human interact.

But, there's bad news. I'm in a team with a _Yevonite_, a filthy little weakling. He wears this long, inefficient green robe thing. He's a pretty boy, the kind we call _vubc_… he looks so little, but he's actually taller than I am. That's part of the problem. He just looks little, but then I find that I have to tilt my head a little to look at him in those gross _cred_-brown eyes. Frustrating. Why does a Yevonite have to be taller than me? It's not fair.

And, we've got a recorder, too, but they're all late.

I have to try to be civil to this Yevonite. If I can be civil to him – he _is_ a _lidea_, after all, even if he has dirty skin; being nice to look at makes anyone bearable – that means I get to stay around Machina Man.

Oh, yeah, we got weapons. Mine needs some work. It's a really simple double-barrel handgun… small, but it could have some kick if things worked properly. I don't know where the weapons master got his supplies from, but it sure wasn't a reliable Al Bhed contractor. This thing is a piece of garbage. I'm going to take it apart later and see what I can salvage. I've got some extra parts, so I think I can really get it to work nicely.

197S9.8.44

Bored, bored, bored. Took apart the gun – Riva, I've decided to call her – and put her back together three times. Each time, she runs smoother. Yevonites get more and more incompetent the more I see of their machina…

Nooj, the Machina Man, is gone. I don't know where he went, but when I woke up, he was off somewhere. The Yevonite, I still don't know his name, got up and went off somewhere with his gun, acting all irritated.

Yevonites are fun to irritate. He didn't like my whistling! What is he, tone-deaf?

I probably should make sure he doesn't get eaten by a passing fiend, but maybe that might be for the better. I mean, with the way he nearly dropped his gun when it was handed to him, I think he might sooner shoot one of us accidentally than shoot any enemies on purpose. Maybe he has other uses. I can think of a couple…

…damned conscience.

* * *

He is a _lidea_. He seems so small… it's no wonder. He's got really tiny, shaky arms. Can't even hold his gun properly… a shame. I think he's scared of me. Heh. 

But, anyway, as part of what I've deemed my ongoing attempts to survive the Crimson Squad tryouts, I showed him how to use it. I don't think he's ever held a machina before in his life – his eyes were all wide and he was staring at it like it was going to bite him. He almost dropped it again! Good thing it wasn't loaded – I even had to teach him how to do that. How basic can you get?

Heh. He really is a _vub_, though. He turned all weird-looking when I told him that his gun was a 'she'. So I named it Pahho for him – I've never met a woman with the name _Pahho_ – and that seemed to calm him down. I should've known no _lidea_ that pretty would be into women. If I slept with Yevonites – which I don't, they probably have all sorts of diseases – I'd go after him. He'd be easy.

It's only been three days that I've been here and already I'm _runho_. Man, there'd better be a chick recorder assigned to us or I really am going to start considering the Yevonite.

…what was his name? Man, I'm terrible with names. Uh… started with an L or something…

* * *

Baralai! That was the name. I'm never going to remember that, so now, he's just _Lai_. I think it insults him that I call him by a nickname. I think he also gets mortally offended when I _look_ at him. 

Anyway, we've got a chick for a recorder. Her name – get this – is _Paine_. I seriously had to stop myself from snorting when I heard that. What kind of name is that for a recorder? The only pain she's going to be causing is probably going to involve tight-fitting leather and whips. She's wearing bondage straps for clothes!

…I bet she does women on a regular basis. I'll have to show her how things _should_ be done. I bet she's never been with an Al Bhed before. Once you go Al Bhed, you never go back! That's Nhadala's joke… I wonder what she's doing now. Probably doing more digging around for treasure, that was always her favorite pastime. I wish I could dig for treasure in her—

I would say I need to stop thinking about sex, but I'm not a prude. I will say that it's not doing me any good. I need to sleep after this long day of the Noojster – that's his nickname, though I'll probably never say it to his face – barking at me like I'm some kind of incompetent rodent. If he keeps that up, I'll take him apart while he sleeps. Wouldn't that be a lovely thing to wake up to in the morning?

I wonder if he could feel it if I did that. Hmm. Maybe I'll hint that I could be his personal engineer – for once I don't mean that in the most dirty sense possible – and then I can find out _all_ the answers. I wouldn't even mind cleaning sand out of the connectors if I can get that much closer. It would be beneficial to him – especially if he didn't really get those prosthetics from the Al Bhed; if they're Yevon-made stuff, they're probably just as badly put-together as Riva was – and no one can resist my charms anyway. Noojster, you will not be able to resist. Ha!


	2. Part Two

Part Two

197S9.8.45

Not much to write. Still teaching Lai to use a gun – slowly, he's getting better. I guess having two eyes is an advantage.

I think Noojster's noticed that I dig his machina.

Bored. I thought this was an army? Aren't we supposed to, I don't know, train or something? Or go somewhere and fight something? Man, I'm itching to do something. I can't stand sitting around.

197S9.8.46

Uh, yeah. Maybe I should've stuck with the Summoner kidnapping gig. This is so boring! Nooj thinks he owns the world or something with the way he gives us commands, and the way he keeps telling Lai to stop looking at me. What's wrong with looking at me? I mean, it's totally understandable if he can't keep his eyes off me—

What am I saying? Yu Yevon himself would come down out of the vaulted heavens and beat me with a Summoner's staff.

So, Lai told me today as I was trying to teach him the finer points of moving targets – and mostly succeeding, except when he shot that weapons guy in the foot. That was hilarious! I've never had to try so hard not to laugh in my life. The noise he made! And then that horrible apologetic look on Baralai's face… I'm impressed with myself for holding back. And of course, these Spiran pansies just whip up a fancy piece of magic and everything's all better. It's almost sad. I don't think anybody who isn't Al Bhed has any sort of pain tolerance whatsoever.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Lai. He told me he was a _Summoner_. I think he expected me to bow down and kiss his feet or something… well, no, I can't really say that. He said it like he was almost ashamed of it. I don't know what's to be ashamed of, other than blindly following every single word any Maester of Yevon farts out his _ycc_… okay, maybe that _is _something to be ashamed of. Whatever. Anyway, I think it made him really nervous when I told him I was a Summoner-kidnapper. He got this weird look on his face, especially when I told him it was pathetically easy to kidnap Summoners.

Heh. 'What sort of evil did you do to them?' he asked. Like we're so evil. I'd've been offended if he hadn't looked at me like some sort of cute fuzzy animal when he said it. I mean, we practically treat them like royalty. They have their own _sanctum_, what's better than that? They can all play down there with their little pets and destroy the place, all at our expense. It's like a Summoner amusement park. That's sick.

I stole Pahho from Lai when he wasn't paying attention and took him apart. There's so much junk in Yevonite-built things! Everything's so useless and inefficient! It's really making me wonder about Noojster's parts, too, because he's groaning like he's in need of a serious oiling. Man, I've _got _some, ready for use, if he'd let me touch him. I think if I offered, he'd smack me with that machina hand… and that'd _hurt_. No pathetic magic spell could restore my face to its natural beauty after something like that. I'd better not risk it.

197S9.8.47

So… I'm not dead. It's a feat, I know, especially after getting attacked by that _thing_. I can't believe it.

I finally got too restless, so I told Lai I was gonna go look for some fiends to kill or something, and I started off by myself. I didn't figure it was going to be a big deal, but then this _thing _came out of nowhere. It was like three times as big as the old hovers we used to ride on! It was flying and flapping its wings and when I shot it, it just looked at me like it was trying to figure out whether or not it should dip me in tomato sauce before devouring me in a single bite. I was about to scream like a girl and run away – not my favorite battle tactic, but when facing ravenous overgrown Sinspawn by yourself, it's usually the best idea – when I heard Baralai's voice behind me.

And then there was this other flying thing above me, and I thought for sure I was gonna be lunchmeat for one of them. I figured the two of them would fight over my body, rip me into two pieces, you know? Man, that's not a pleasant thought. Anyway, but then the second thing attacked the first thing and it made a horrible noise and flew away. And standing there, with his arms spread when it was all over, was little Baralai.

Yeah. The little priest guy. The Ex-Summoner apparently still has some of his abilities. And he just smiled like it was absolutely nothing to conjure up this huge bird beast thing out of nowhere and fend off this Sinspawn that was gonna eat me for dinner.

And all I got out of it was a cut across my cheek, right under the eyepatch. And Nooj had the nerve to make a crack about Lai being rough with me. Heh. If only he knew! If I told him, though, he'd probably lay into me about being careless. Meanwhile he keeps looking at Paine with that sort of glistening look in his eyes. Man, old men really can't think about anything but sex, can they? Heh. Why would anyone want that chick, though? I don't get it. You gotta be pretty to get Gippal.

Lai's acting like it's nothing. I don't know how to say 'Hey, thanks man, if you hadn't followed me down the path like a creepy little stalker, I'd've been an appetizer for an overgrown sparrow' without sounding like an ass. Maybe something'll come up. I've got his back now. I have a feeling we're gonna need it.


	3. Part Three

**Part Three**

197S9.8.49

Man, my sleeping schedule's all off. Waking up at the crack of dawn sucks. In fact, being awake during the day sucks. I'm a night person, always have been. I guess it's only logical since Bikanel's so hot that being awake during the day is like instant death. That's why we have battery-powered lights, so we can work at night. Yevonites would call them instruments of the devil… really, they're just so we survive.

I guess I've been coming to learn a lot more about Yevon because of Baralai. I have to say, the guy's been really nice about it. Aside from looking at me a little funny every now and then, he doesn't seem to twitch in revulsion at my presence anymore. I suppose that he's cute is a reason for that… you can't hate a guy who's that cute. It's like hating a kitten, or a baby shoopuf…

So, apparently I'm useful. Tonight, I found the Noojster trying to oil himself… heh… that sounds so bad, but it's true! He wasn't doing very well – probably all the Yevon excess – and, finally, I found the chance to offer my assistance. It seems like such a simple thing, but sometimes people just don't know simple things. It's a shame, but it's true. I showed him how to best oil things… you don't want to get the oil everywhere, just where it needs to go. And I gave him one of the pin point oilers I had in my pack to let him get down into the little parts. He seemed like he needed it. I have another anyway, even if it's still on the tube.

Maybe if I can get him to trust me on this little thing, eventually he'll let me take him apart.

197S9.8.50

Praise be to _vilgehk_ Yevon! Baralai finally hit a bullseye!

Damn I'm tired!

197S9.9.01

Heh. Nooj _is_ sleeping with Paine! I saw that, and he doesn't even know it. Oh well. That's his business, sleeping with someone in his squad. I should've figured, though, that the squad leader would get the only chick. The best for the best, or some _cred_ like that.

What am I saying? I'm so not jealous.

Nevermind that I think Baralai's probably sleeping with her too. I don't know how that's possible with a guy who clearly is a _vub_. They keep smiling at each other, though. They spend lots of time talking, and Baralai _giggles_. It's so unmanly. We're soldiers, man! Not pathetic village girls!

Oh well. We got assignments today… well, sort of. They told us we're going to assemble and board ships. Some news, guys! I expected a little more than that. At least Noojster seemed excited about the prospect. I imagine he must be getting really bored if he's resorted to doing Paine to pass the time.

I really shouldn't rag on the guy. He's having a hard time with that leg of his – it makes me wince every time I see him walk. It _creaks_, man. That's not cool. Even with the oiling yesterday… or was it the day before? I don't know anymore. But anyway, it's making all kinds of noise with all that Yevon-Spiran junk in there. I can't figure out which it is, Yevon or Spiran… probably Spiran. Yevonites probably already damned him to life as a roving half-machina fiend.

Not me, though.

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Uh, wow. I got to touch it. Him! The leg! I got to _touch_ it, put my hands inside, get my fingers dirty in it!

Best day ever!

I knew it would happen! I knew he'd trust me enough! Always trust an Al Bhed with machina, isn't that an old idiom or something? Who knows. But he let me totally dig around inside of it, taking out things. Man, you wouldn't believe how many random springs I found in there that did nothing but muck up the works. I don't know what it is with Spiran mechanics… they think that adding a spring is the solution to any machina problem. All they do is get oily and rusty if they're not in the right places! So I took them all out, and Noojster was giving me all these weird looks as he was trying not to act nervous. I think he doubted me! Tch!

…I've gotta quit calling him Noojster, or he's gonna kill me in my sleep…

I don't know if I heard half of what he was saying. My heart was racing! To touch machina like that, to take it apart, to see at least part of the inner workings of a machina-fused human – unthinkable! And I got to do it! I think most of the guys back home would easily kill their own brothers for such a chance… and yet, here I am, with the grease on my hands to prove it.

Although, he did talk about Lai. I guess Noojster – Nooj! – doesn't really have faith in Lai's ability to shoot a gun at all. Well! I guess he didn't know that I've been teaching him! I managed to convince him to have a sort of contest, a shooting match if you will, down at the little range I created for Lai and me. We'll see how that goes. I think everyone might be a little surprised! Here's hoping Lai doesn't choke up or start shaking or anything like that. I've gotta get it into his head not to be scared! Because man, you get a whole new look on your squad leader when you've got your hands inside his leg…

I get to take apart Nooj's arm tomorrow! Finally, some excitement!


	4. Part Four

**Part Four**

197.S9.9.02

I don't know what to say anymore.

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The only way to get my brain off things was to do as Nooj asked me. Yeah, I was really excited about getting to tinker around with his prosthetic arm last night… but then things happened, and I practically forgot about it until he grabbed me this morning and told me it was time.

But it did make my head clear, to focus on the task. Man. It's even more amazing than the leg, because it's so much more dexterous than I thought. That hand, with a little oiling and some reconfiguring, could grasp and hold and move just like it was part of the regular anatomy. This is really an advance over the old types of prosthetics; before, they were just basically decorations so people didn't look totally weird and disfigured. This, man? Nooj is an art form. The machina is so subtle and sensitive, it made me wonder where whoever built him got the technology.

He swears it was Al Bhed technicians, but I can't believe Al Bhed would be that sloppy. It was a mess in there. I mean, there are some things that every Al Bhed is born knowing, and one of them is how to efficiently wire things.

It makes me think that maybe they were Spiran-born Al Bhed – you know the type, the ones who are the kids of Yevon converts. Those people who were so easy to manipulate that Yevon actually converted some of them and made… well, actually, I don't know what was made of them. We never heard from Jabu and his family again after they went to Bevelle. Maybe they're the ones who built this prosthetics… because, man, with the financial backing of Yevon, they could afford to get parts and materials that we could never dream of. Not to mention that they probably aren't being shouted at every time they show their face in non-desert public. Or having things thrown at them.

But, anyway, Nooj seems pleased. He's strutting around, showing off. I even cleaned shined the parts for him, though I don't think he really noticed. I imagine it'd have to suck to have your arm rusting.

He flinched. A lot. I felt like I was hurting him, even though all logic says that you can't hurt a guy by popping a connector out in his prosthetic forearm. It was like he could feel through the machina… amazing. I can't imagine what that would be like. I want to know more. I want to know what it's like inside his head… if he can really feel the machina. It seems like he can… he can clench his fist any way he likes, move all his fingers independently. Though it's probably difficult to walk with such weight on his one side, which would account for the limp, he's astoundingly dexterous with that hand.

I want to know. I _have_ to know. It gives me something to work on.

And now, to finally prove that I am as good of a shot as I've been boasting. Heh. Maybe I have been boasting a little bit, but… no one beats an Al Bhed with machina. That's the simple truth of it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Having assured Baralai that he'll be fine seems to have done the trick, regardless of what it really means. He shot better this afternoon than he ever has. Just between you and me, _zuinhym_, I think he outshot both Nooj and Paine.

For all Nooj's ragging on him, he seemed impressed with Lai's work. Yeah, I had to stand behind him and put my hands on his shoulders when he started to shake with nerves, and that seemed to help.

I've learned a lot about Lai. He's… well.

Well.

You see, I figured him out. The reason he was so scared, so freaked out, so… well, uncomfortable. And I did something about it.

Yeah, it was dumb. Really dumb. Sleeping with your fellow candidates when you're all competing… stupid. It's just another stupid thing I've done in my life, though. And… it seemed to help, except for when he remembered I was Al Bhed.

Man, maybe I should lose the other eye. Then no one'd be able to tell… except I'd still work with machina, even if I couldn't see. I don't think anything could keep me away.

But, anyway. The guy needs to feel acceptance, like he has a place, or something. I finally got that about him… it only took him practically making a nest against my shoulder and falling asleep there. He told me he actually forgot that we were supposed to be enemies.

I guess that's a good thing.

But yeah, I'm not saying it was bad or anything. Far from that. It was actually rather nice… I'd forgotten what it was like to lie with someone in the grass, especially in the early night. Back home, we'd just be waking up then, just heading out for the first time to do our work. It was the ideal time, because sometimes the older people would sleep later because they couldn't stand the heat of the leftover day. It reminded me of home.

Except the way he cried afterwards, with our fluids all over each other's body, and he said 'Yevon will abandon me now'. What's that supposed to mean?

But that was last night. I thought, after his little mini-freak-out, that it'd be the last time. But then he came to me today, this morning right after I got done with Nooj, and apologized. Apologized! When was the last time a Yevonite apologized to an Al Bhed? Never. So, yeah. That was good.

And then it was back to business. Back to training. No sense wasting all our time in dalliance. I wonder if he'll come to me tonight. I think I'd have to say I hope he does. It was nice… and a good stress reliever. There's nothing that builds up more stress than sitting around doing absolutely nothing for a week.

And there's nothing that relieves stress more than… well, whatever that was that Baralai and I did on the hill beside the road last night.

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He did.

It's so weird, but good at the same time. He'll only be affectionate when Nooj isn't around, I think. It's like he doesn't want to get in trouble.

He came and sat next to me as I lay in my bedroll, and leaned back against my stomach for a while. He didn't say a word. I ran my hands through his hair – it's soft, like a long-haired cat's – and he smiled at me and went back to his sleeping bag.

I still can't get used to sleeping at nights.


	5. Part Five

**Part Five**

197S9.9.03

So, I guess Nooj wants me to take Paine off to teach her how to shoot. Good idea, I said. Maybe he wants some time for a cold shower, heh.

I guess it's good that I've kind of become the weapons instructor of this group… not that I really know anything about anything besides firearms, really. I mean, yeah, I can do some damage with the pair of knives I've got secreted in my boots – those were my first weapon, you know – but firearms are my pride and joy. I've still got the plans for my invention in my pouch, and I still work on them sometimes. I just want something that can be both a devastating melee weapon as well as a long-distance weapon. A cross between the knives and the guns, I guess.

Well, sort of. Man, I saw this duel once way back when I was a little kid, when two guys fought it out just for fun in a junkyard. The guy who eventually won ended up using an old chainsaw to do battle with. That was the coolest things ever – I think so at least – so I want to make that a part of my prototype. Can you imagine? I've tried to design it so it's got a projectile weapon on one end and a sort of circular saw on the other. It's nearly impossible to pull off – man, the thing's gonna be huge, so I have to figure out a way for it to fire projectiles accurately – but someday, I'm gonna do it. Not here, though. I don't have the time anymore, with having to teach everybody how to shoot.

I hope Paine'll be a good student, at least as good as Lai's been… and I hope I won't have to sleep with her to get her to relax. I think if I did, Noojster would kill me.

Heh. Maybe one day, the squad leader himself will ask for lessons. I wonder if he'd lower himself to that level… well, he already has me with my hands inside his machina, so I don't think it's much further for him to ask me to teach him how to best operate machina, yeah? I don't know. I'll try not to be gleeful when it happens.

I mean, I suppose it's a good military move. He didn't seem pleased at all with Lai at the beginning, and he obviously knows I've been working with Lai, so I guess he attributes Lai's success with shooting to my instruction. I don't really know that I did anything other than tell him to calm down, but whatever. Anyone can learn to shoot a gun, even Paine.

I hope.

I guess we'll see how good of a weapons instructor I make.

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Well, that went well. I guess. Paine's better, though she sulked about having to use something besides a sword. I think that she started off hating me, but a few teasing remarks about the Maesters later, she warmed up nicely.

Of course, then I had to say something about Nooj, and she nearly slugged me. Heh. Man, I'd hate to get hit by her. She's fierce! Haha. Strong girl, though. She reminds me of the Al Bhed women, though she's clearly not an Al Bhed with those red eyes.

So weird. Silver hair and red eyes. She looks like one of the machina servant bots that were all the rage when I was a kid. Yeah, they didn't even bother making them look like humans, with the proper color skin, because it cost too much and wasn't worth it anyway. Al Bhed tend to like machina more than other humans anyway, so it was a good move. But, yeah, Paine reminds me of them, mostly because of her eyes. The servant bots had these laser-guided 'eyes' that could recognize certain objects when they scanned them, and so their 'eyes' were red, like lasers. Of course, Paine's eyes aren't lasers…

…or are they?

No, I think she would have shot me with them when I made that crack about Nooj tearing off his arm and using it as a weapon to beat a fiend with. I should have said he'd use it to beat a Maester… because I think he would, if it came down to it. Can you imagine? It'd be hilarious.

Yeah, anyway, I think Paine likes me, for the most part. Or, at least, she's not going to kill me. That's always good… not that I really fear the recorder killing me since they're supposed to be impartial, but considering she's sleeping with Nooj (she told me so herself, sort of, in passing… okay, maybe she didn't tell me at all, but when she got all bristly when I made fun of him, I knew. It's easy to know these things!), I don't think she's so impartial. Heh. I bet the Maesters would off her if they found out.

It makes me wonder if that's why they put the three of us together. I mean, we're all so different… maybe they don't want us to gel at all. Maybe they want us to fight each other. I mean, why else would they put a devout Yevonite in a squad with an Al Bhed? Or with a man half made of machina? Baralai, by all means, should be plotting our deaths in the back of his mind. I guess we're lucky that Lai's a pretty forgiving guy and has his own doubts about Yevon – sort of, I guess – or else he'd've cast something horrible on us by now.

It's disturbing, though. Do they really want us to fight amongst ourselves? What does that accomplish? Shouldn't we all be working as a team to defeat Sin… or whatever it is that we're supposed to do? Oh yeah, to protect the Maesters, that's what Nooj said. Heh. Some job for an Al Bhed. I wonder if they'll kill me even if I manage to survive until the end.

Probably.

That's depressing.

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…

Baralai has a mark on his cheek.

It's from Nooj.

He's _so_ dead.

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Okay, so maybe Nooj isn't dead. But he almost was.

He made Lai cry.

I can't forgive him for that, the bastard. _Yccruma_. Lai doesn't deserve anything like that, not after he totally saved my ass. I bet Nooj doesn't even know. He doesn't even see Baralai's abilities.

Ugh, jerk. I can't believe it. I tried to put him in his place, but then I remembered exactly what I thought about earlier… that's exactly what the Maesters want. They _want_ us to fight amongst ourselves. If I had killed Nooj – and believe me, I wanted to! -- where would that have gotten us? We would have been out an experienced military guy, out a squad leader, and one fewer on our team. We need all we can get, and Nooj can do some serious damage with that machina arm of his. That, and he's the one who has really shaped up this squad. He's the only one who knows how. I sure don't.

So, I forced myself to cool off. It'd be really dumb to do anything to him… so I settled for sending my message that he shouldn't mess with Baralai. I hope he got it. I hope he got that I know a lot more about the guy than he does, and therefore I know that he has no right to do anything like that to him.

I've also decided that now I have to help Lai even more. I have to help him find his courage. Maybe this experience will give him some guts. I hope so… he has a million useful skills, but he just needs to have the guts to use them, you know? So I'll let him know that I still have faith – heh – in him, and maybe he'll learn from it.

Because, hey, I could've sat around and cried when that engine exploded on me and took my eye… and I did, for a few days. And then I realized that, man, I'd never connect a fuel line incorrectly again, and since then I've been an even better mechanic for it. And sexier, because, come on, who can resist a guy with an eyepatch?

So, even things that suck can be useful. I have to let Baralai know this.

197S9.9.04

So, Nooj _did_ ask me for a shooting lesson this morning, right after I got up. I still can't get used to getting up in the mornings, but it's coming easier now. It's just weird to wake up when the sun's rising in the sky rather than when it's setting. Oh well, I'll adjust.

Anyway, he didn't do badly, but not nearly as well as Paine or Lai did. He's too set in his ways, too unwilling to take instruction. I'm not his superior officer, I think, so that's a problem. I had to do more by demonstration than by verbal instruction, which was kind of weird. I let him watch me shoot and then copy me, and it worked better that way.

He didn't say he was sorry for anything he did to Lai, but I didn't expect that. Instead, he asked me some things about him, and I answered as truthfully as I know how. I think he wants to have some measure of respect for Baralai but is having a hard time finding things that would give him that. Nooj is military minded, and Baralai… isn't. Everything that's respectable about Baralai has nothing to do with the military. Maybe someday Nooj will understand that. And maybe, someday, Baralai will learn something militaristic from Nooj. I just hope they don't start fighting… because I'd hate to play into the hands of the Maesters. I'd hate to do what they want.

I think I've made it my personal mission to defy the Maesters in every way possible… including keeping the peace within my squad. I'll do whatever I have to, but damnit, we're all going to become friends. I've never had to force other people to be friends before, but I'm sure there's a way. I'll be the peacemaker. Heh. Who would've thought, an Al Bhed as a peacemaker? Well… an Al Bhed will do anything to defy Yevon.

Including sleeping with a devotee.


	6. Part Six

**Part Six**

197S9.9.05

**I. Hate. Mornings.**

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Why has today been so difficult? I don't get it. I just want to go back to normality, I want to go back to sleeping during the day. It's not nearly as hot here as back home, but still, the nights are so nice.

Yeah, it probably didn't help that I had to pry Baralai off me sometime in the extreme late night and get up and walk around. It was so cold. I mean, I knew Spira got cold in some places, but it was _freezing_. I wonder if it'll snow sometime.

I wonder if they'll send us to Gagazet—

Wait, no, I forgot. They can't, because I'm here. Al Bhed footsteps on the holy mountain of Spira? Unthinkable. We defile the place just by existing, and so if any Al Bhed were to set foot up there, it'd explode or something. Well, no, maybe it wouldn't explode, but surely Sin would come right then and eat what's left of Spira. Like it's our fault. "The Al Bhed are the cause of all Spira's problems!" No… Sin is the cause of all Spira's problems. We have a common enemy! People should understand that!

Whatever, it's all politics, just like this stupid military group that I'm trying out for. Why would they gather us all here and then make us sit around while they send cryptic messages? Maybe they'll weed out all the Al Bhed and send us to the gas chambers.

Oh, no, wait, gas chambers require machina, and machina is the purest evil known to mankind. (So, then, why exactly are we using the most destructive of machina as our weapons? It's all hypocrisy!) So, likely, they'll just drug us and lay us down in a row and then systematically shoot us in the backs. "Death by their own means!" That's what they said all those years ago in the _cmyikrdan_, when they killed so many as some sort of means of religious purging, or whatever. I guess they thought that by killing us, they'd be doing something to combat Sin. Idiots. I hate Yevon.

…

But not Baralai. I guess he's proof that even the most idiotic of groups can have their _cfaadrayndc_.

I need to stop being morose and bitter and get up and do something. Gippal doesn't do morose and bitter… it's not flattering. Maybe we can all go shoot something again. That'll make me feel better.

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Well, of all things, Baralai asked me to teach him Al Bhed.

Further proof that not all Yevonites are complete closed-minded idiots, I guess. I don't know – he, Paine, and I were just messing around, wrestling in the shade by the water to work off energy (because we all have so much energy, and not all of it can get out through sex, or that would be dangerous), and I guess he picked up on my curses that I spat out every time Paine dug her nails into my back.

Ow, it hurts just thinking about it.

But, anyway, he asked me what they meant, and so I told him, the best I knew how. Watching his cheeks go bright red was great! I never thought someone so dark skinned could turn such a color.

Of course, Paine was listening in, too, and she wanted to know what Al Bhed sounded like. I hadn't spoken it for so long because I knew I needed to speak Spiran here only, or else the Maesters will flog me or something, so I've been restricting myself to a few interspersed words every now and then when I can't remember the Spiran word. Or when I'm cursing, because Al Bhed curses are so much worse than Spiran ones.

Baralai seemed shocked when he learned that _oajuh_ is one of our worst swear words. It's a really old word and kind of outdated, so when someone uses it, it's really strong. I guess the only way it's used now is when you call someone a _oajuh-cfaadraynd_, which is… wow. I guess that means Yevon-sweetheart. Funny how things start making even more sense when you think about translations.

Anyway, Baralai and Paine now want to learn to speak it. I don't know why since they'll automatically be stigmatized and thought of as Spira's Ultimate Evil if they do, but I'm not going to say no. I love my language as I love my people, and though it's kind of weird to share it with outsiders, it's good in the long run.

Nooj even sat around and listened for a while… after we all got over the awkwardness of Paine asking if he wanted to join our wrestling. Baralai and I agreed quickly, of course, because it seemed polite, but then it was just weird. He probably can't wrestle with a body like that… well, not without killing us. I guess Paine's done some other sorts of wrestling with Nooj, and she forgot. Well, whatever. He did listen to me talk about Al Bhed for a while. He probably won't say he wants to learn, but he'll do something like listen to all I tell them without letting us know he's listening or even acting like he's paying attention, and then one day he'll just suddenly start speaking in it and everyone'll be impressed. Or, well, those who don't hate the Al Bhed will. Hell, maybe with him, the Maesters will be impressed. I can just hear them now, "Oh, you learned the heathens' language so you can infiltrate them and further exterminate them! Excellent!"

_Pycdyntc._

197S9.9.06

So, I guess we're going to be leaving the day after tomorrow. About time, I think.

One of the other groups shipped out today, leaving all sorts of leftover stuff around their camp. Being bored and trying to make myself active in the morning, I went and scavenged around in what they left there. I found some good stuff… a little set of screwdrivers, better than mine because they have interchangeable heads (is there an Al Bhed in that squad?), some high quality copper wire, and a couple of tubes of lubricant. Now, lubricant can be used in several different ways – one tube was meant as sexual lubricant, which is handy to have around (I guess?), but the other is this fairly new water resistant lubricant that I've used only a couple of times. It's supposed to be for parts that run under water, and it stays around on the metal longer without being washed away.

Considering that I won't be building anything that's meant for underwater use anytime soon, I decided to give it to Nooj. I thought of it as a peace offering – since we'll be on a boat, water will be everywhere, and just in case we get sprayed by anything, he won't have to run off to grease every few minutes. He looked impressed and decided to let me do the final adjusting of his parts later today.

Awesome.

When I told Baralai about what I had been doing this morning, he looked intrigued and said he would go looking around in the abandoned camps himself. I can't imagine him stealing anything! He'd probably find whoever it belonged to before and return it with an apologetic pout. Funny guy. I can't imagine what he would find there that would be of use, but who knows?

197S9.9.07

Fixed up Nooj's leg really nicely. That new lubricant is incredible – it sticks like nothing I've ever seen before. I even brought back some water from the well and sprayed it on the joints to make sure it worked as it should – and none even wiped off when I took a towel to it.

Of course, I'm having a hard time getting it off my hands, and so I keep dropping everything I grab onto. Nooj seems to find this amusing.

Well, I guess Lai did find something of use in the main camp. Apparently, underground, he found a box with a matched set of pistols in them. Nooj wants to know more about them, so I said I'd take a look. I'm not doing anything else that's productive, so why not? Paine also brought back a bag of ammunitions that I'm supposed to sort out. That won't take long, but I'm more interested in these pistols. They're in a box, with velvet. You don't see many like those around anymore – I think they're probably dueling pistols, made for show, but I could be wrong. They did belong to the Maesters, so they could be anything.

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Treachery. That's what these pistols are for. They belonged to the Maesters, so it's no wonder.

The one with the red markings on the handle has the barrel blocked. It's definitely sealed off at the close end, and the whole system is backwards. I put in a bullet and held it out horizontal to my body, and it definitely shoots backwards. Yeah, it shot back toward my hand and hit the rock to my right. If I had been shooting straight out like you're supposed to do in a duel, the bullet would've been flung backwards into my head.

Nooj says it's called a Judas pistol, but I've never heard that term. Oddly, where I come from, treacherous weapons like these are called _syacdanbecdumc_. It's fitting, considering that they came from the Maesters themselves.

I don't know what we're going to do with these. Nooj suggested I unblock the barrel, but that wouldn't really change much. It would still shoot backwards, if not with quite as much force. I think I should just disassemble them and scatter the parts. No one should defile machina like this.


	7. Part Seven

A/N: Sometimes I wonder if this story makes sense on its own. I don't know. In case you need reminded, this is a metafic (or maybe just an accompaniment) to Ikonopeiston's _The Confessional_. If you're not reading that one also, you probably should. It'll likely make this fic make much more sense.

**Part Seven**

197S9.9.08

So much stuff has happened in the past few hours. I dunno, I guess with everything I kinda forgot that we were supposed to be boarding the ship to go to our first destination today. Before I really knew what was going on, we were in formation and going to the boats.

Boats. I love them! So much water! It's like sailing a ship through heaven. I think I'll spend more time looking over the edge at the fish and the other creatures swimming under the water than I will doing anything else. Well, unless I can sneak into the engine room. Then I'll probably spend more time there. I've always liked engines… they're what I'm best with. I've always wanted to be an Engineer, you know, the guy in charge of making sure everything's working on board a boat or an airship or something.

Of course, the only airship that we have access to is that one that old Cid is chasing under the water. Heh. We can dream, of course. Someday we'll be able to build them perfectly – and I'll be the Engineer for one!

…only if I survive all this, though. We're waiting for orders to get on the boat now. It's so much the same, everything they do, hurry up and wait wait wait. They rushed us into formation, and now that we're here, the ship… is it a ship, or a boat? I don't even know which one… isn't even here yet. And then, we're going to be one of the last teams to board, they said, so chances are that we're going to be sitting around here for long enough to get our legs stiff. Great.

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Still bored. The first team isn't even settled in on board yet. To the amusement of everyone watching, Baralai challenged me to a hand-to-hand duel. He always warned me that he was going to do it, but I didn't expect him to do it just then. It seems he found a staff somewhere… heavy and pointed, enough to do some serious damage. I mean, I guess he told me sometime that Yevon teaches its clergy some fighting skills and that he had chosen hand-to-hand, but I guess I always just thought of him as a Summoner-mage kind of guy.

He insists that he's more comfortable defending himself with the staff than with a gun. Crazy! I don't understand. Why would you want to run up to a fiend and hit it with a stick instead of shoot it from a long distance away? It doesn't make sense.

But, anyway, he challenged me, and put his staff down. "I don't want you to lose the _other_ eye," he said. Tch. Neither do I.

It didn't last very long. He's _so_ fast. I mean, he's a little guy with long legs and quick hands, so it makes sense that he'd kick my _ycc_ in a hand-to-hand fight. I've never really fought hand-to-hand without a weapon before. I can hold my own with a knife (or any kind of bladed weapon, I guess), but I've never been taught how to do things. I just kick and slash and get away, yeah? That's how it works best. But Lai's obviously been _taught_ exactly where the weaknesses are and precisely where to strike and with what force and then, when the opponent least expects it, to jab your knee into his stomach.

Ow.

But he obviously didn't want to hurt me, because I think he seriously could have if he had tried. I mean, he could do some serious damage to anybody, if only because they're not expecting it! Remind me to never fight Lai unless he's far away and doesn't have a gun. Not like that'll happen, because I practically ordered him to always have a firearm on him, just in case. With whatever crazy thing the Maesters are going to send us off to do, I have a feeling that we're going to need all the weapons we can get our hands on.

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So, we're on board. Finally.

Man, it _stinks_ on here, though. Doesn't anyone bathe? Why not? With all this water around, you would think they would take advantage of it. Then again, most of them are Spirans. Spirans are all water-fat bastards. I'll bet none of the Al Bhed on this ship stink.

Yeah, so after we got all our stuff secured, Noojster asked me to carry those _syacdanbecdumc_ with me. I don't want to carry them… even thinking about them and how treacherous they are makes me uncomfortable. To have such defiled machina on my person? It's like a horrible insult. But I guess it's better to keep them from the Maesters in case they decide they want to use them. We can't have them using them. That's not good at all.

But still, I can feel them in the loops inside my knees, and I don't like that. Usually my knives go there, but they were rubbing on my shins and it was getting uncomfortable so I moved them to the outside. No one'll think to look on the inside of my pantlegs. Only Lai'll find anything of use there.

Heh. So dirty.

I did try to sneak into the engine room, though. I was quickly thrown out. "Yes, we have to use the evil machina for this, but don't touch it!" Hah. I'm willing to bet that anyone in that room is far less competent than me. Oh well. It means I get to go hang out on the deck. So much water! I just want to swim in it!

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Everyone's praising Baralai already. I guess he used some magic on some guy that Paine pissed off. I don't know, I wasn't watching. Too busy watching the whales! There are whales! It's been so long since I've seen any! I swear, in the distance, I can see the mountains. Mountains… with snow. I want to see snow sometime. Just once in my life, and I'll be thankful.

197S9.9.09

Noojster's not a sailor, eh? I always knew some people got sick on ships – especially if they'd never been on one before – but he's pretty much the last person I would have expected to get _caycelghacc_.

But, it totally sucks for him. He can't help it, and it's not a sign of weakness or anything. It's just like some people are tall and some are short – some get _caycelg_ and some don't. I totally know it would humiliate him if others knew of it because not all people are so accepting of 'weakness', so Paine and I have done our best to seclude him from the others so no one else has to know. Lai's taken up staying next to him and casting some piece of magic or another on him to keep him asleep. Occasionally he wakes up and acts all delirious, but Lai's always there to fix things. Man, Lai's really diligent. I don't think he's even slept.

I slept, last night. I was up on the deck, though, because everyone kept making noise down below. It was really incredible to sleep with the occasional spray of water on my face throughout the night. Of course, I had to be interrupted by one of the three women on this ship, the cute black-haired Spiran one. Of course, she's not so cute anymore because she's been sleeping with everyone on this ship, and everybody knows that.

She propositioned me for sex! Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine how many diseases she has. Not only is she Spiran, but she's been sleeping with Spirans… _lots_ of Spirans… and all Spirans (except Lai) have diseases… so yeah, that was a definite no. As awesome as having sex on the deck of a ship in the middle of the night with the water spraying on my face would be, _E tuh'd drehg cu._ I'm totally not going to get a disease for something like that. Diseases are permanent, man!

Besides, maybe I can convince Lai to come up here tonight if he needs a break from taking care of the Noojster. I mean, Paine can watch him by herself for a while, right? I'm sure that he'd probably like that better, anyway.

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I swam with the fishes!

That's all. I'm wet. Drying off now!

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Lai! Argh! He won't take a break, he's so _tyshat_ diligent. He won't leave Noojster, not even for a minute; not to go swimming when they had to stop for a while to fix the rudder, not to have sex with me on the deck, not to even look at the really awesome sunset we just had! What is wrong with him?

Maybe I should hit up that Spiran girl.

It's getting hotter. I can't see the mountains anymore. I wonder where we're going… we're in the middle of the ocean, and I have this horrible feeling that we're going around in circles.

Oh well. Not like I care. Wherever we wind up, I'll get through it, just like I always do. I just hope that we get to stay on the boat for a little while longer.


	8. Part Eight

**Part Eight**

197S9.9.10

I swear this is Bikanel. I swear it. We're on land… the sand is the right color of dark yellow tinted with orange. I know these sands… I've walked on them my whole life.

No! I haven't walked on them my whole life! Home was destroyed years ago… yes. I have to believe that. I have to make the others believe it too. No one can know the Al Bhed still live here. If they did, then they would certainly come after us. Again.

I should erase all of that. But, no, this _zuinhym_ is encoded through four passlocks, all written in Al Bhed. No one who isn't Al Bhed could decipher it.

…except those I have been _teaching _Al Bhed.

Damnit, I'm working against myself. I have to protect my people. That is everything! We act on our own, without interference from those damned Spirans. I should stop teaching them our language.

But I trust them. _Tyshat_, what kind of Al Bhed have I become? I trust Spirans?

What is _wrong_ with me?

Regardless, this is Bikanel. I know it. It's not just the color of the sand or the look of the water, but it's… I just know. It's said that the Al Bhed have a sort of homing instinct, that we can feel it when we're home.

Home.

I could just run away. Wasn't that what I was looking for, anyway? Wasn't I looking for a way to get back Home? Isn't that kind of why I joined this whole 'Crimson Squad' thing that they're calling it now? It's right here. I bet I could find it, if I could just find that familiar oasis. The island isn't all that big. I'm sure I could find it.

…but then I'd be running away again. What kind of man runs away? Am I that kind of man? No, damnit. I'm sixteen years old now. I have to make a man of myself. I'm at the age.

If I survive this, if I beat out all these Spirans, then the Al Bhed will have a name for themselves again. And I will be the one closest to the Maesters, the one who can find out their plans. Maybe I can make myself powerful enough that, someday, I can change the perceptions of my race.

Whatever. To do that, I have to stick with my team, with these Spirans. I have to trust them. None of them have given me any reason to distrust them… I mean, even Noojster has put a fairly good amount of trust in me, so I should return that, right? These guys're all different anyway. I can't imagine that Nooj puts too firm of a belief in Yevon. Even though Lai apparently does, I have him under my fingertips anyway. He'll give me secrets without even knowing it. And, one day, maybe he'll be a valuable contact. If I can change _his_ perceptions of the Al Bhed (which, considering he lets me _vilg_ him on a nightly basis, I think it's working), then he can pass that onto others, right?

Heh. Sounds like a plan, yeah? Change the world, one step at a time.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh. Err, yeah, in order to survive here, I have to help my team survive. Even though I can't tell them where we are, maybe I can help in another way. I know this place… I can go get us some good food, finally. I'll actually have the opportunity to cook something. It's been so long!

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Well, I did manage to catch a fellant, as we call them, and a pretty big one, too. I know every way to grab one of those things as they try to burrow in the sands… mm, they're practically a delicacy. I guess Lai and Dr. P – that's a really lame nickname for her, but she almost smiles every time I say it, so it works – were really hungry, because they worked really hard to get it ready for cooking. Yeah, I had to skin it since I'm the only one experienced at skinning animals, apparently, but Lai actually built a fire (I have a sneaking suspicion that he used magic for it, though) and Dr. P found some seaweed to cook it in. I'd never cooked it in seaweed, but she said it'd be good, and it was.

Even Noojster seemed impressed. And, yeah, it's good that he's eating. You really need to eat after you've had the _caycelghacc_.

Everyone mused for a while about where they thought we were. Apparently I'm the only one who has ever been here… which I'm thankful for. It was only when Lai started mentioning a list of desert islands that he knew of – damn him – that the subject of Bikanel came up. And then, if only to help the others, I spilled.

Yeah, I told them it was Bikanel, but as far as they know, Home isn't here anymore. It's the old homeland, I told them, and they believed me. Good.

Anyway, I told them about the island, if only so that we'll have a better chance of navigating through it with any luck. We're at the area where the caves will be, and the fiend-guarded springs. We have quite an adventure ahead of us, especially with all these inexperience Spirans.

I'm going to replace the lubricant in Noojster's parts, and then I'm going to seek out the two other Al Bhed that I know of who are training here. Even if we're probably enemies now, we're still brothers in blood, and I have to make sure they're being true to their people. I have to doubt anybody who shows up in this group.

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The three Al Bhed gathered out over the other side of the hill – Shena and Meru. I have to remember their names – their _real_ names. Anyway, we agreed to a pact, between us, that we would never reveal the existence of Home. Meru seemed particularly agreeable, which was good. He seems like a good man. I've never encountered him before, but Shena – I swear I recognize her from somewhere. With the way she looked at me, it makes me think I probably slept with her sometime. Heh. Whoops.

Anyway, that's done. Noojster's busy flexing his hand over there… he seems pleased with the results. That's good. I imagine that anything to make living with such a disability – in his eyes! an honor in my eyes! …eye. Damnit. – would be most appreciated. I'm happy to help… especially if it means getting to mess with his machina.

Noojster showed us the map a little earlier, as soon as I came back from my meeting with Shena and Meru. It looks like we'll be going nowhere near the location of Home… that's good. Really good. I'd hate to have someone accidentally stumble upon it, no matter how well it's hidden behind the dunes.

Apparently we're going to be competing with everybody and everything to get to the other side of the island. Including the other squads… why doesn't that surprise me? Again, it's more proof of the Maesters pitting us against each other. It's so vile. Well, if I have to kill Spirans, I will. Especially if it keeps them from killing me.

I'm considering putting on the goggles again. It'll hide my eye and protect it from the sand that blows in this place at nights. Yeah, as much as I hate wearing them, I think it's a good idea.

…tomorrow. I don't want to wear them yet. It reminds me too much of the trials of being one of my race.

Baralai's looking awfully grumpy. I can't have that. I don't know what's got him down, since he has been praised plenty today, but I think I'll go rectify it. Yeah. I'll crawl into his sleeping bag, where he can't get away from me, and tickle him until he laughs. That's the best remedy for a frown ever.


	9. Part Nine

**Part Nine**

197S9.9.11

I am so mad that I almost typed a whole line of gibberish. However, I think if the others saw me pounding on the keyboard, they'd think I'd finally lost my mind.

The fact is this: we're on Bikanel, I _know_ it, and now we've decided to move at night. AFTER I _just_ got used to having a daytime schedule and sleeping during the night. Agh. And now, I have to readjust all over again. I suppose this time it'll be easier, since I'm going back to what's natural.

But still! It pisses me off! I really shouldn't get so mad about this, but I haven't slept properly since we started this nonsense and now, when I need it the most, everything's gonna get screwed up again.

Right now, though, we're in what some guys I knew once called the _dneisjened_. I remember them talking about it, though they never disclosed the actual location. It's basically three caves hooked together by narrow passages… the first is where the underground spring bubbles up, and then you follow this little rock-enclosed hallway to get to a medium sized empty opening, and then there's a crack in the wall that you can squeeze through to get out into the desert. It's really quite convenient, and I know those guys had a base for surveying out here. Apparently somewhere in this area there are old machina ruins, leftover from centuries ago. They were searching for those, under the sand, and this place made a great sleeping place because of the water.

I wonder if they ever found anything. I'll have to get in touch with them when this is all over. I think they took Nhadala with them… yeah, she'll know something. That'd be really cool if we found, like, old gigantic robots under here or something.

Maybe I can find some while we're out here. That'll make for something interesting when the others are getting bored from looking at the scenery. I guess some people just don't find the desert beautiful.

For the first time in way too long, I feel at home.

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Note to self: do _not_, under any circumstances, try _anything_ that's sitting around in Baralai's little 'lab' out there, no matter how much it looks like chocolate.

Ew.

I think it took almost an hour for Baralai to administer something that worked to, err, un-green my face. Boy did he laugh. Hah hah, little _pnyd_. I'll get him later.

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Apparently, they want out names recorded on film. That's what Dr. P said, anyway. I don't really know why. They're just trying to have us killed anyway. Name and identifying phrase, so they say. An identifying phrase? Well, I'll have to come up with something interesting…

Heh. It would be really funny if I identified myself as 'Corruptor of Yevon' or something. I think Lai'd turn seven and a half shades of red. Maybe that'd be worth it.

Maybe I should say 'your worst nightmare' or something. That'd really get their hackles up, if it's really the Maesters watching. I think it'd be the Maesters. Heh. I hate them. Or maybe Dr. P just wants to have a personal record of all these guys she ran around with in the desert for a while. I know _I_ would, if I were her.

I'm starting to get this sort of… weird feeling about Nooj. I don't know what it is, exactly, but there's something off about him. I think it's the machina… I think it does something to him. I mean, we talked earlier today while Baralai was making the antechamber stink… mostly, I tried to be polite and respectful but I kinda wanted to know how the machina was doing, you know? And then we got to talking and I asked him how he manages to control it mentally… because if I know that, maybe I can think of a way to make it all work better, you know?

Or maybe I'm just morbidly curious.

Either way, I can't really say he seemed depressed, because it wasn't like that. It was just like he was almost pissed off about being attached to the machina. I can't understand it, but I guess for him it'd suck. I mean… I've dreamt about that kind of thing, you know? Being able to understand how a machina works and thinks and feels, being part of it myself. I've dreamt about designing a machina eye for myself—

No, that's not possible. I know that. _Cdub ed, _Gippal.

Anyway, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's whatever that… green skin chocolate stuff I ate earlier was. It's turning me into a paranoid freak.

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Gippal, _dra baylasygan_, or the mechanic.

Heh.

I wonder if anybody will ever bother to get that.

Anyway, I almost slept. Only because Baralai cast something on me, I think. Sneaky little _chyga_. _Lida chyga._ Heh. Nhadala'd vomit on me – she hates snakes, and if she heard me call one 'cute', she'd probably have all kinds of bodily reflexes. Waste of water.

I keep thinking about her. You know, I never really did anything with Nhadala, which is a shame. I should have. We really got along well, and best of all, we worked together and she wasn't a complete idiot like Rikku.

Heh, Rikku. Haven't thought about her in a long time, either. Cid's girl, yeah, how could I forget? The Al Bhed Princess would probably kick me in the shin if she heard I'd forgotten about her. I think I was supposed to be writing her letters or something. Uh, well, I don't even know where she is, and I can't send letters anyway.

A likely story. Maybe I'll look Nhad up when I get back. If she really was out with that surveying expedition, maybe she'll have some interesting information.

Definitely won't look Rikku up, though. Maybe she'll think I died. Wouldn't that be convenient?

We're about to head out to make the next crossing of the sand. It's time for me to show exactly what I'm made of. Al Bhed fight best at night in the desert with firearms. I've gotta keep these sand foreigners safe from the creepy things that come out of the sinkholes at night.

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…I should never jinx myself like that. A sandworm, of all things, and a really big one. The kind with the _teeth_. Ugh. Creepy. And it brought all its little friends, too, those lizard things that some people wrongly call Sandragora. Well, that's the family, but I couldn't recognize what exact species they were. All I know is that they're poisonous.

The sand worm ran away real quick, leaving the lizards to do its dirty work. Just like always. Just once, I'd like to catch a sandworm and ride it. I wonder if there's a way to ride one… they're so big. Maybe if you spread its segments apart, then it wouldn't want to dive under the sand because it'd irritate the flesh underneath.

That's enough fantasy for now. I'm still a little sore. The last lizard I killed managed to reach around and get me in the side after I thought I'd killed it. Careless. That's how I lost my eye. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm lucky Lai was here with his healing powers. This time, those powders of his really helped… and didn't turn my skin green. I need to rest it, and Noojster seems in favor since this was our first major night battle. I'm glad. I don't want to be hurting if we come across another group of those _pycdyntc._

The sun's almost to the horizon. Time for a nap in this little overhang we found. It's not ideal, but it gives enough shade for all of us if we cluster together.


	10. Part Ten

**Part Ten**

197S9.9.14

The others are clearly not accustomed for desert travel. They can hardly move in the sand, and it slows us down. A lot. Even though we move at night, the heat is still rising, and we don't move fast enough to get far enough to end this trek before we're going to run out of water.

We didn't bring enough water. There's certainly not enough containers for it, especially not with the way the others are sucking it down. I told Lai not to drink too much water, but he… well, he needs it, I guess. He's water-fat. They all are, even Nooj, though don't say that to his face.

I'm always seeking shade, and there's never enough. We always have to use the tent at least in some way to make enough room for all of us. The others don't believe me when I say it's better to crowd together in the little shade than to use canvas to make shade. We don't have the appropriate materials out here.

You'd think the Maesters were trying to kill all of us.

But, anyway, the others are too concerned about the stink of our bodies or something. Then… just get used to it. And for the love of whatever, stop breathing through your mouths! I tried to tell them, but they still don't do it. No one listens to me. Why not? I live here, I trained here, I grew up here… I should know. I am Al Bhed. We know the desert life.

And then Nooj with the whole 'don't urinate' speech he gave us. He thought he was being knowledgeable about the desert way of life, I think. Something about being trained as a Warrior, or whatever. Well, yeah. I don't know about Spirans, but I've known a lot of Al Bhed that have died from conserving too much water like that. So, needless to say, I'm reluctant to do it. But Nooj commands, so he'll get. Or I'll just piss when no one's looking.

I'm going to sleep. And I'm going to keep kicking everyone to move faster. We can't dally… or we'll be easy targets.

197S9.9.16

_Taydrcaagan._

197S9.9.17

Need… water… I never thought I could be able to do that.

I did it yesterday, but I thought it was chance. I thought I was just lucky... but I did it again just now. They always said that when we were desperate, Al Bhed could find water. That we could smell it. And I did. I swear, I could smell it, cool on my nostrils… and I found it. I could dig in the sand and _find it_.

Now I've drunk as much as I can. We're resting in this small bit of shade. No longer are the others shy about piling together… but I can't sleep.

I haven't slept. Not since that. Not since I realized he's _Taydrcaagan_. Not since the sand bear attacked us, and he tried to die.

Tried to die. Tried to die. Tried to die.

No matter how many times I say it, how many times I type it or read it… it never makes sense. I can never understand. I can't help but to think it's somehow my fault, our fault, everybody's fault. We can't make him want life.

It's what the machina's doing to him. It's trying to kill him. It _is_ killing him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It's all different now.

_Taydrcaagan._

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I have, I think, exhausted my unknown ability to sniff out water. It's not working so well anymore. I get more tired searching for it than I do marching forward and killing fiends. It takes everything out of me, but I know I have to do it for the others. I know they need water and I need water, and so I expel every last bit of energy I have to find it. It takes everything. I've never been so tired as I have been after searching for water.

And still, all the time, I have to kick the others forward. Since what Nooj did, everyone seems slower. Even _I_ seem slower. It's like there's a heavy presence on all of our shoulders all the time. Maybe it's because of what we saw him do. Maybe it's the awkwardness. Or maybe, all in all, it's just the lack of water and how shriveled our bodies have become.

Paine, I think, is starting to sunburn, even though Baralai keeps applying the salves to block out the sun onto her delicate skin. My skin color hasn't changed; Lai's is dark, so he's okay; and Nooj, somehow, doesn't seem affected. Only Paine needs to worry.

The sun can kill you. It can seep into your brain and make you go mad, especially if you're not used to it. I think I could stay out in it for days without really having to worry, but for someone like Paine with her pale skin… I can't imagine how much those red splotches have to hurt.

Baralai and Nooj have been reading the stars all night, and they say we're about a day away from the end. A day away and then we'll get new assignments, something to shake things up. I don't know if I can take being here anymore… everything reminds me of the sand bear incident. It's too fresh in my mind, I need to put distance between myself and that event. I remember too clearly the string of events, the last round of ammunition, resorting to the knives. I remember being frozen as I saw Nooj walking forward, toward the mouth of the fiend. The panic that flowed through my veins. The way Paine had to save Nooj. The way Baralai and I didn't. What does that make us? Do we, too, want him to die?

No. No. That's not it. We didn't know. She reacted so quickly… did she know? Does he share the secrets of death with her in the depth of night? In the throes of passion? I want to know what the secrets are… but I am afraid.

Yeah, Gippal, afraid. I am afraid of him, of death, of _Taydrcaagan_. Nooj would tell me I'm too young to understand… but he's not that much older than me. But, then again, he is, if not in years. He is in experience. I've lost an eye, and he's lost half of his body, half of his mind, to machina. I can, in no way, compare to him.

That's why he's our leader.

That's why I'd follow him anywhere. Even though he's _Taydrcaagan_, though he's seeking death, I will follow him. Perhaps not to death, but as far as my footsteps will take me. He seeks honor in his death… that's what a _Taydrcaagan_ does. I'll make sure he gets it. That's something everyone deserves.

…but still, the _syacdanbecdumc_ are against my legs, reminding me of exactly what dishonor is. I should get rid of them before the sun makes us insane, driving us all to do terrible things. Perhaps I have already begun to lose my sensibilities. It would explain the water-sniffing, the obsession with the _Taydrcaagan_, the fanatical loyalty.

Or is that just who I am?

I'm surprised I remember my name anymore. I'm surprised _Gippal_ hasn't been lost in the sands, given up, a sacrifice for the water. I… think I can sense it again. Nearby… though I have no energy, I have to delve down again into my resources and find some so that I can find the water for us.

It's here. Somewhere. I'm being driven water-crazy.


	11. Part Eleven

**Part Eleven**

197S9.9.18

Baralai's in deep trouble, seriously. Those _tyshat pycdyntc_ of Squad Three… they did something terrible to Lai. Who does duels these days, honestly? I thought such things were outdated. Well, I guess you never know what to expect from Spirans, so set in their ultra-traditional ways.

So they attacked us when we found the water today… it was like they followed us and decided to claim what we had found for themselves. Fortunately, they did a bad job of it… I swear, those guys couldn't hit a shoopuf with the way they were shooting.

And then, their leader decided to lie out his _ycc_ and accuse Baralai of murder. Little Baralai, the mage, the one who had healed one of his squad before. I mean, the guy who got killed… man, I think that _I_ killed him, not Lai. In fact, I think I killed him defending Lai. I'm not even sure – it all happened so fast and I was so tired and fatigued from searching for the water that I didn't know what was going on.

Before I knew it, Lai had accepted this ridiculous dueling idea, swearing to defend himself with that staff against this man who probably triples him in size and weight. I couldn't even find appropriate words to stop him or to tell him how stupid it was. These guys, who obviously were terrible enough to follow us and try to steal our water, would likely have a dirty trick up their sleeves.

Especially when I saw what their leader carried in his pockets. I mean, sometimes you can just tell what's going on… me? I can see what people have in their pockets. He had a vial, and I heard liquid splashing in it as I fought him off me in the scuffle that ensued before Lai got challenged. I heard water, but it wasn't water… and considering how desperately dehydrated that team looked, I knew it couldn't be water. Judging by the wounds some of them had, it wasn't a potion, nor a phoenix down or they would have used it on their fallen comrade.

It was poison. I knew it, but I didn't know it. I had no proof except for hearing something as we were fighting... and that could have been anything. A feeling's a feeling though, you know? I've learned to trust them in this desert, even if I have no proof, and I knew that in hand-to-hand combat, the kind that Lai wanted to do, that guy would have poisoned whatever weapon he decided to use… and Lai would have been done for. We haven't had any antidotes here aside from the herbal remedies that we ran out of yesterday when those Sandragora attacked us again. I mean, all it would have taken would have been a little scratch somewhere on Lai's body – which wouldn't have been hard to do, considering he was already injured and fatigued from the earlier fight -- and if that poison was strong enough, it would take him from us in moments.

I don't really know what I was thinking when I suggested we use the _syacdanbecdumc_. I mean, it seemed logical in my head at the time… I'd been carrying them this whole journey across Bikanel, and they had just been useless weight. What better use than to save Baralai from a poison-wielding enemy? I guess. I mean, I don't know… the whole thing seems treacherous. I hate the idea of using them…

But Lai would be gone otherwise.

At any rate, it was up to Nooj, but in the end he seemed to agree with me… and by then, Paine had joined my side too. I don't even know how it was my side, exactly, except that I was the one who first brought it up and I was the one holding the _syacdanbecdumc_. When Nooj gave the final word to use the guns, Baralai looked… well, pissed, to say the least. He got that downtrodden look when he's feeling useless… but it would have been a useless waste of life.

I'm just surprised that Nooj wound up going along with it. I mean, I thought the guy was all about honor? Using these weapons is anything but honorable.

But yet… to save Baralai… it's worth it. Maybe Nooj thinks so too.

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Baralai did it. He withstood everything and went through with it. The pistols are back inside of my pants, certainly located in an area where the Maesters won't think to look. Heh. If they touched me there, I'd kill them.

The guy is dead. Nooj is kinda standing around looking thoughtful. I think this has hit him a little harder than anticipated… I can tell he's trying not to show it, but I can just tell, you know? Once you get to know a guy, you can tell when they're brooding. Nooj is _definitely_ brooding. And… I think I get why.

_Taydrcaagan_. Deathseeker, in Spiran. He sacrificed a bit of his honor for Baralai… and yet, there I was, practically demanding it of him, even though I swore the last time I typed in this thing that I would help him on his way to the honor he sought in his death. I don't think Baralai realizes exactly what Nooj did for him, or even the magnitude of all of this.

I wonder if I should tell him. Could I? Would the words come to describe what it feels like when, as I did a few minutes ago, I tend to Nooj's machina half and can feel the desperation for… well, nothing? There's no passion in the man anymore, only a longing for the death he seeks. I can feel it in every word he says.

Something about this training, this squad, this desert… it's all changed me. I can feel things better now – the location of water, Nooj's longing for death, and even my own thoughts and inner desires more acutely. Right now, all I want is to lay with Lai and tell him that I'm happy he's still able to be with me. What is this nonsense? Gippal doesn't do this sort of _cred_. What happened to the untouchable _caq sylreha_ that I was when I left on that idiotic Summoner-kidnapping expedition? Now all I want to do is hold a _Yevonite_ of all people and tell him I'm thankful for him… since when has an Al Bhed been thankful for anything involving Yevon?

Since I met Baralai, I guess.

197S9.9.19

The Maesters want to see us, I guess. We have to tell them what happened… why? Wasn't this their plan all along, to pit us all against each other? Maybe they're wondering how Baralai managed to win against that guy. Well, you can't argue with a good shot, right?

Right.

It'll be just fine. Baralai will go in there and make pouty faces and act distraught, Paine won't say a word, Nooj will report it like a military commander, and I'll do what I do best.

I'll tell them a story.

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Well, that went off rather well. Maybe one day I'll write a book – in Spiran, to prove I'm not an 'illiterate Al Bhed piece of trash' as the bald-headed Maester called me in the little interrogation session – and entitle it "The Pistols Sent From Yevon" and detail every bit of the heaping pile of _cred_ I shoveled into the Maesters' laps today. I just hope I can remember all the extraneous words I put together about the guns being half-buried in the sand outside of the cave and how they disappeared afterwards; maybe I'll even include the bit where I mentioned that I thought more of the existence of Yevon now for protecting someone as 'holy' as Baralai.

Heh. 'Holy.' If only they knew what I had just finished doing to him a few hours before… that'd give them a whole new perspective on 'holy', I think.

And now, Paine has stolen us some alcohol of some sort. I've never heard of this 'brandy', but it certainly smells good. I deserve to indulge for the fabrications of the day. Baralai does too – the alcohol will dull the pain of his still-recovering wounds, anyway, and maybe his still-lingering sense of shame at using treachery against treachery. When I told him about the poison that I thought the other was carrying, he told me to drop the subject. I don't think he'll ever mention the incident again.

That's fine by me. Hopefully he'll have plenty of good things to remember instead of this one incident of doing what needed to be done. Someday, maybe he'll realize that it wasn't treachery… but until then, I'll keep his mind off it.


	12. Part Twelve

**Part Twelve**

197S9.9.19

Wow. So… there's alcohol in this 'brandy' stuff, is there? It was so good, though, I'm glad that Paine swiped it… even if she did spend the whole time that she slept groping at my _ycc_. Noojster should fault her for it, not me. It's not like I can help it that my _ycc_ is irresistible, yeah?

I'm still feeling the effects… yeah, I'm not even certain I'm typing straight, but oh well, who cares! It's almost evening now and the others are up so I'm up too. It's not so bad, I'm only a little wobbly. Everyone else is writing in their different little journal things so I figured I would too. This has practically become routine for us… we all sit down and write at the same time, sometimes even in the same room, staring at each other. It's kinda funny, now that I think about it.

Maaaaaan, that tasted good. Lai's such a loser, though, not taking any. He doesn't know what he's missing! I think he's gotta taste it on my breath, though, because I can still taste it! Heh. I kissed him real hard, too. I think he likes it when I do that.

Though I don't really know why he puts up with me doing all that _cred_. I mean, he's bigger than me, and I know that even more now, and he's stronger. Yeah, I never would have guessed, but Lai's got a body under that robe of his! It's really nice on the fingertips, and he's dark all over, in places that no one probably even knows about. Dark, dark, dark. Like chocolate.

Mm… chocolate. It would go so well with that brandy. Good thing Lai's right---

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I don't know what I was thinking. I think I'm drunker than I thought. I mean, Lai and Dr. P were sitting around telling each other these grand lies, which I could tell just from the look on Lai's face – he gets all ruddy – and so for whatever reason I decided to join in.

It started off simply enough. It was like trying to call each other's bluff, yeah? Trying to out-lie each other or something. It was simple things, like what time of day I was born and things about the Summoner-kidnapping thing I did for a while. (I told Lai I was on the squad that was to kidnap him but I left at the last moment… I don't even know if that's true or not, so it made it impossible for him to tell!) And then it just escalated, and whenever someone would get caught telling the truth, we'd all beat each other up. It was fun.

And then I did the same thing I do every time I get drunk. I got nostalgic. And so I started talking about Home… I guess I forgot, or something, that we were supposed to be telling lies. I wasn't telling lies. I miss it.

Yeah, I'm Homesick. It's funny… that's what we've always called that longing for the desert, the sort of sense we get when we're near the city… and yet, I come to learn more Spiran, and I find out that Homesick is a word there and it doesn't have anything to do with our city. It's just… when you miss the place you're from.

I miss the place I'm from. I think I'm getting too embedded in Spiran society – I'm taking on their sicknesses. Maybe it's one of the diseases you get from _vilgehk_ a Spiran. I dunno if that can be sexually transmitted… I should ask Lai if he gets Homesick. Maybe he'll know what I mean, or maybe he'll be vague and not answer as usual.

I can't say that, though. Lai always answers the questions I ask, unless they're inane. My questions are inane most of the time anyway.

But I told them all about Home… about the gates to the city and the machina outside in the sands, about the metal framework inside and the moving sidewalks. Lai just looked at me, starry-eyed, like I was telling a fairy tale to a little child. Dr. P just looked uncomfortable. She folded her arms and shifted a lot. It was kinda weird. Then, she called me a liar and tackled me.

I'm in no shape to fight, seriously.

I think Noojster was listening, though. He looked a little disgruntled, but then again, I think that's normal for him.

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Everybody's here now. All the teams have come in from the desert… but I think we're the only ones who did alright. All the others are in bits and pieces. There's one team with only the recorder still living… and he sits, cross-legged in the sand, and cries. I feel bad for him… he doesn't look like a weakling or anything, so it must've been bad for it to do that to him.

I guess that something like seven people have died here… including Shena, which makes the numbers of Al Bhed down to two. I saw Meru across the sand a few hours ago, right after I woke up… I hope I didn't say anything drunkenly idiotic. It's likely. With the look he gave me, though, he confirmed that Shena has been swallowed by the sands. I dropped some water on the Crown of Thorns growing beside this cave, in Shena's name. Bikanel is a harsh mistress, and she'll take anyone she can get whether they're weak or strong. My team, though, did really well… I have to think I'm a little surprised, but not so much. Noojster taught us well.

Noojster. I can see kinda how we must disgrace him. He was some sort of commander of the Crusaders, I heard. And now, here he is with us… but hey, we didn't do too badly, and I think we'd all be dead if it hadn't been for him.

It makes me want to help him as much as I can. I know it's gotta be painful to have those limbs of his. It can't be comfortable, anyway, no matter what I do to make them lighter and move better. There's only so much I can do… but maybe someone else can do something.

I wonder if Lai has any of his magic herbs that could do anything for Nooj. I mean… I tried to tell him briefly about the honor Nooj essentially sacrificed for him in the duel, but Lai's not talking about the incident. It's like he just wants to forget it all happened… even though he keeps getting called in by the Maesters to be questioned. I don't think he likes lying to them, regardless of how well he seems to be doing it. _Chyga._ But maybe if I talk to him about something else about Nooj, I can slip it in. Lai's smart enough to make his own connections like that. He'll get it.

Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I mean, we're gonna be up and moving again soon… and there'll probably be another boat ride. Noojster could seriously use something to help with the _caycelghacc. _Why not something to help with what pain he's probably feeling?

I owe the guy my life. I know that, being _Taydrcaagan_, he probably doesn't want to hear it; but maybe I can do something for him, at least, even if it's through someone else. Besides, I know Lai's been saying he still feels like he needs to prove his worth to Nooj… I'm a _baylasygan_, right? This'll help.

…or maybe I'm still drunk.


	13. Part Thirteen

**Part Thirteen**

197S9.9.20

We were all ready to have a go at the last bit of this stupid mission, but then apparently Noojster received orders from the Maesters to stay put for another day.

I'm so bored. I've taught Lai how to play _beka, _and we played it for a couple of hours last night and again when we all woke up today. He had apparently been up for a few hours and was bored since he'd run out of plants to play with, so I created some makeshift "dice", he called them, and taught him how to play. Paine watched us for a while, but then she called us something nasty under her breath and went away. I think Noojster really was pissed that she'd been groping me the last time we slept.

The sleep cycles are so erratic now that I can hardly tell what time of day it is anymore. I take sleep when and where I can get it, and it doesn't matter if it's during the day or the night, and it usually only comes for a few hours at a time. It makes me erratic when compared to the others here… often times, I'm sleeping when they're all awake.

Which means that I wake up in the middle of the strangest things, sometimes. Like just now, I woke up from a short nap where I was having a very nice dream about standing on the helm of an _yencreb_, spreading my arms as it soared through the air. There've been these rumors that old Cid dug up an _yencreb_ from under the sea somewhere… I wonder if he ever got it working. Anyway, I got sidetracked. Apparently, Lai was more bored than I'd thought… he was mixing stuff together, dried pieces of plants that looked like they should never have anything to do with each other. When I asked him what he was doing, he just looked up at me innocently like "Oh, nothing!"

When Baralai says "Oh, nothing!" in _that_ voice, something's up. It was the same tone of voice he used while Paine and I were suffering from green-face. _Chyga_, I still haven't gotten him back for that. So, he put the little mixture together in a paste… and then he just _ate_ it.

What if it had killed him? Oh, no, but it didn't kill him. Didn't turn his face green either. In fact, it didn't really do anything funny, at least not that I really found funny at the time.

Now it's funny, though. To see that look on his face -- that lusty, husky look that he normally reserves for right when he's about to tell me it's okay to do "whatever" to him -- when I wasn't even touching him…

…it makes me wonder what, exactly, he ate, because wow. I've never let a man possess me before, but it was like… I couldn't say no, or even turn it around on him. He got so aggressive at me, like he HAD to get off and he HAD to do it right then and it HAD to be with his dick in my ass.

I mean, honestly, I can never say no to the guy anyway, but when he's forcibly taking off my clothes, it's even harder.

…

Everything's sexual in the Spiran language, I swear!

Anyway, it was weird. I've never felt so, uh, helpless, I guess. It's hard to say what it was like. I mean, I'm so used to being in control, to having a handle on the situation (EVERYTHING is sexual! I can't write ANYTHING!), and this was just the total opposite of that. I was had, and not only was I had, but I was had by the guy who we all mistook for 'little' when we first met him.

He's not so little, no way. He's bigger than me, and stronger, and I think I've just somehow missed that this whole time. But it was interesting.

I think I liked it.

That scares me.

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I can't stop thinking about it.

This is really, really, really bad.

No, Gippal, you are NOT a _vub_, you are not a bottom, you don't let yourself be had by guys! It doesn't work that way. You're the one in control, you're the sexy one who always gets what he wants.

Heh, look at me, writing to myself. I think that's probably kinda lame.

I've become all self-conscious. Do the others know? Can they tell? Am I walking funny? Did I get all the blood washed off? Can they smell it? Did I suddenly become more girly just because of this? These are only a mere sampling of the questions running through my head at every possible second. It's creepy.

Then, unfortunately, I look at Baralai, and I remember what it was like, and it makes me think that I don't really care what the answers to any of those questions are. I mean, he looks so _happy_. I can't be sure if that's from what he did to me – I hate even _writing _that – or if it's from this most recent endeavor of his.

He told me last night after I wrote in this thing that, as he was experimenting with some of his alchemy while I was sleeping, he found something for Nooj. I immediately blurted out something like 'something to help him with the pain?', and then Lai just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about.

Oops. I mean, I'd meant to talk to him about the pain that I can tell Nooj is in, but I hadn't done it yet. I convinced myself to, really!

But no, he said, something to help his 'seasickness', which I think is _caycelghacc_. I guess it would be. But then he asked about what I meant, and suddenly, I was telling him that I think Noojster is in pain, like, 98 percent of the time.

He thought about it for a moment and then said that he had something for that too, and then he went away. He came back, and then I taught him how to play _beka_, and then we went to sleep. I didn't think anything of it until a few moments ago when he confided to me all secretly that he had made some pain medicine for Nooj and that he had taken it and it had worked. I don't know when this all happened, but it must have been last night or this morning.

Baralai is so proud of himself. Apparently, he's been dispensing it through Paine so that he wouldn't have to tell Nooj directly that he knew of the pain he was in. I think that's a good move. Noojster is a private guy – I've known that ever since he threatened me with an instant, gruesome, painful death if I breathed a word to anyone else about the little sounds he sometimes makes when I'm working on him – and so, once again, Lai's done the right thing. And to think, this is all because of a slip of my tongue.

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So, Noojster's letting the other squads bathe and drink from our water source. I can't say I totally agree, because aren't we all supposed to be in competition with each other?—

…

I think the mentality of the Maesters is getting to me. I swore at the outset of this that I wouldn't let us all turn against each other. It's already happened, and I had to make the choice to protect my teammates over the others. I made it instantly, too. With Baralai involved, there wasn't even a choice for me.

It seems like I have to protect him at all costs, or at least that's the attitude I've adopted. I don't know why… if anything, Baralai's proven to me that he can take care of himself. But yet, I feel like I have to protect him too. That includes going against my peacemaking mission and causing the death of one of the other recruits.

It was necessary, though. But was any of this necessary? Was it really needed to send us all out here into the middle of Bikanel to kill each other? I just don't get it. I mean, we were all volunteers, right? We volunteered for this job – you would have thought we would have been treated better, instead of, like, cannon fodder or whatever we are. The Maesters could have made a volunteer army of us, and those are the best kinds, because you have the people there who _want_ to be there. But no, they're just killing off the people who want to be here.

It just doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense, except the people I'm with now. I'm not sure I entirely get everything about the other three, but I understand them all, in a way. Dr. P and I… well, she's like an older, teasable sister. I like that, because she fights back with me. It's good to have someone to argue with, even if I think I irritate her. And Noojster, well, he's the guy in charge… I've already written extensively about how I feel about him. I totally look up to him, even if he's _Taydrcaagan_. I've committed myself to helping him in any way I can… and making him feel proud of where he is, even if it's probably a pretty big step down from where he was.

And then there's Lai. I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I mean, yeah, we sleep together all the time when we're both sleeping at the same time, and we have sex, and he seems to enjoy the affection I give him and he's free with his own… but, uh, you know, I'm not sure if this is a relationship or not. It seems like Noojster and Dr. P are doing the relationship thing… which completely astounds me. I mean, the guy's trying to die… how is something like a relationship possible? But I could be wrong, too. Maybe they're just having each other the way Lai and I are.

Or are we? What are Lai and I doing? I mean, it'd be one thing if we fucked and got it over with, but what's all this about me protecting him and _cred_? Why did I let him have me, then, and why do I almost feel giddy about it when I even so much as think about it? It's impossible. I feel like I want to ask him, but then… that seems like completely base, like I need to put a label on it in order to experience it fully.

I don't care what it is. I _like_ it, and I think Lai does too. I don't know how long it will last or where it will go or what we'll end up doing to each other, but… I like it. And I'm going to keep doing it, as long as he'll let me.


	14. Part Fourteen

**Part Fourteen**

197S9.9.21

I smell sandworms.

I don't think any of the others know what a sandworm smells like… I don't even think _I_ know what a sandworm smells like… but I certainly smell one. Or a bunch. It's probably a whole herd of them, or else I wouldn't smell them like this.

Actually, they smell like water. That makes sense, because they store water in their outer skin. If any of the ones we had run into in the desert had been small enough for me to catch, I would've gotten one instead of running around like an idiot looking for hidden springs.

We really have no need for more water now, but… well, their teeth make great knives. Only the finest Al Bhed-made weapons have sandworm teeth blades… normally, we shave them off and line the steel edges with the hard material of the teeth, but on their own, they make awesome, if old-fashioned, weapons. I haven't made a new knife in a long time… I don't really need one, but maybe someone else does.

…maybe it can be a gift.

Of course, I have to catch one first.

We're supposed to complete the last bit of the training today… but I think we were supposed to complete it yesterday, too. All this sitting around and waiting… but at least my sleeping schedule is a little bit more normal now. I think I slept something like sixteen hours, on and off, yesterday. I was only awake long enough to play _beka_ with Lai, spill the beans about Noojster's pain, and get fucked. Well, that and sometime when it was dark – I'm not sure if it was closer to sunrise or sunset – I woke up to find Baralai all nestled in my arms like a small child seeking shelter. I think all this work he's doing with all the injured people is wearing him out. He was acting kind of like he was scared… but he was asleep. I knew he was asleep because he didn't flinch when I poked his stomach.

I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours, but I couldn't just get up and leave him there. I watched one of the moons cross the sky through the mouth of the cave, listened to Noojster and Dr. P go at it for a while (against my will, of course -- no one wants to hear that), and then, when it got too dark to see, I thought.

I don't think much, and I know it. I don't give myself enough time to, and I never settle down for long enough to give serious thought to anything. But, well, I couldn't sleep and I think Lai would've been disturbed for the next few days if I moved, so I kinda had to.

I can't write down here everything I thought about, because I honestly can't remember half of it, but a lot of it centered around what I'm going to do after this. Who knows how long I'm going to be here? This is the military – I could be here for years. It's a commitment, and I have to do anything those damned Maesters say. But I think that in the contract they made us sign, it was for two years, or until the next Calm. A Calm? This soon? Well, the thing is that the last one was so short… everybody said that Calms are supposed to last twenty years or more, and that one was barely ten. I can only barely remember the start of this last Calm, but it wasn't nearly long enough.

But then, things bug me about the Calms. I mean, Yevon Summoners give their lives for it. It's not stupid, I think I've finally decided. It's honorable. Although it's kind of futile because Sin always comes back, the Summoners are at least doing something about it. It's kind of sad, though, that in order to do something about Sin, someone like Baralai has to die.

Yeah, he was a Summoner. He told me so, back when we first met. I can hardly see it on him, not that I really knew much about Summoners besides what they looked like in the thick nets we'd cast around them. At the same time, though, I can really see it on Lai… he so desperately wants to do anything he can. He's the kind of guy who hates feeling helpless.

I know that feeling.

Lai's up and making his rounds already… but not after a quick reminder that he can be intimate without his little magic sex alchemy. It was good to be reminded that I really am the dominant one in this… well, relationship-thing, whatever it is. Now, however, I'm restless and I want to get moving, but we can't just yet… our orders are to stay here.

Sometimes I wonder just how hard it'd be to rally all these guys against the Maesters, kill them, and run off and take over Spira for ourselves. Hah! The four of us, running Spira? That's a funny thought.

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I _knew_ there were sandworms around! And, just my luck, one of the young ones breached the sand right in front of us. I totally got it! I wrestled it to the ground, freed its water, and once it stopped thrashing, snatched its teeth. I managed to get three of them… the fourth was broken off and impossible to remove anyway. I'll have to use one of the teeth to cut the other… if I can remember which one came from the top and which ones were the bottom. I have to use the harder top tooth to cut the slightly softer bottom teeth. Making one knife usually takes two teeth, sometimes three if you break one. I can make a handle out of the remaining tooth, or maybe another knife if I'm lucky. I don't know.

Anyway, we're about to set off marching again. We got attacked by a horde of the lizard things and a couple of people got injured, so we had to stop to take care of the poison. I guess we're marching toward the beach, and if we take it, we'll have finished this part of the training.

I'm relieved. Not to be leaving Bikanel – well, okay, maybe that's part of it, so I don't have to hide the existence of Home any longer – but to move on to a different location. This desert has been hard on all of us, even me, and I think anywhere else they send us will be better.

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I have to figure out something to do with these _syacdanbecdumc. _They're driving me crazy. I can't ever take them off, I can't ever let Baralai know where they are, or Nooj, or anybody. When Lai and I get intimate, I have to make sure they're concealed in the folds of my pants when I toss them aside. I can't let him undress me – even when he got all aggressive on me, I made absolutely sure that I was the one handling my pants. He couldn't surprise me out of that… though I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't noticed them in his frenzy, even if he did put his hand right on the handle of one of them. (Luckily, he thought it was a vital organ of mine, because he just kept groping it… though I hope he doesn't expect me to actually get _that_ hard… whoa.)

I want to ask Nooj what to do with them… but then, I'd feel like I was betraying him or something. I have to decide… maybe I'll just keep them with me, take them apart piece-by-piece and scatter the parts. I'll figure something out… sometime.

They clank together sometimes when I walk. Noojster gave me a look a few minutes ago, and I just shrugged. I hope no one gets a clue.

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Wow, that was quite a pack of fiends waiting for us at the beach. Maybe the Maesters planted them there, because nothing like that is ever natural. What kind of evil is this? Can they control the fiends, too? The world is not enough, they must have its creatures too… maybe they actually made up the supposed-truth that people turn into fiends when they die if they're not Sent. I mean, come on. No Al Bhed is ever Sent, and we have just as many fiends on Bikanel as they do anywhere else in the world.

It was fun, though. Beheading those serpents – a job I've never liked before, but it's the only way to really effectively kill them – was actually kind of enjoyable. And watching Baralai jump in the air to get the flying ones! It was incredible. And then Paine'd just step on them like she was stomping on the head of a Maester… it was pretty awesome.

It's good to see the ocean again. I smell the saltwater; it's kind of bizarre how I've learned to tell the difference between different sorts of water just by how they smell. I've always heard that the desert does strange things to those who spend too much time with her… I wonder what it's done to the other three.

I might ask them, but now they're all off doing other things – Lai taking care of that guy he's been leading around the past couple of days, the one who cries all the time; Nooj and Paine with each other doing something gross – and I don't have anything to do. Well… I do have those teeth.

No time like the present.


	15. Part Fifteen

**Part Fifteen**

197S9.9.22

I got pretty far in the knifemaking last night… but, at the end of the night, right when I was about finished cutting down the edges, the top tooth broke. It had been my knife for the whole endeavor, and it finally got tired, I guess. The tip snapped right off and almost hit Paine in the face.

I confided to her what I was doing… only because she asked. It's kind of hard to avoid the question "What exactly are you doing with those teeth?" So I told her, straight-up, that I was making a traditional knife. I mean, it is pretty traditional, back from the earliest days before the Al Bhed really conquered machina. We still have the holdovers – it's like a rite of passage for us to make a chrysknife, as I've heard them called in some parts of Spira – but no one really uses them anymore. I can't see why… they're really nice, and rather deadly.

Unfortunately, I think I'd let it slip to her sometime previously that I rather liked the pair of blades I already have… so she guessed that I wasn't making the chrysknife for myself. How do women _do_ that? It's like they know every move a guy makes before he makes it. They must all be psychic. But, anyway, I didn't know it until that very second, but I told her it's a gift for Baralai.

She made the most girly sound I've ever heard Paine make, and that includes every noise I've ever unwillingly heard her make during her excursions with Nooj. It was kind of like "Awwwwwwhh!" I mean, what are we, kittens?

But, yeah, I guess it's a gift for Lai now. She suggested that I write something meaningful on it for him. But, you know, what could I possibly write there? Or carve, as it is, if the other knives can hold up that long to finish this project. I mean, that's awfully…

…well, sappy, I guess. It's like something I'd do for a serious girlfriend or something. Lai's, clearly, not a serious girlfriend. Or is he? Well, not the girlfriend part, but a serious boyfriend?

Why am I even thinking this? He was just supposed to be, like, a battle boy I guess. But that all changed when that duel happened, and then when I let him—

Don't care. Really.

We're on the boat now. Happily, Noojster seems to be doing okay. Lai's told me he's made some medicine that helps with his various issues… they all seem to be working, since he isn't on his stomach puking yet. Heh.

So I've heard these rumors of some project that's being undertaken against Sin. Apparently they've built some kind of big gun… it has to be a ray gun, that's the only thing that'd even possibly work. There've been rumors about that before, but no one's actually done it since we've never had enough funding nor enough freedom to build such a thing. But I guess the Maesters are backing it this time, and actually getting Al Bhed to do the job – real Al Bhed, not the converted ones.

Maybe it'll work. I wonder if we'll be back from the next mission in time to see it.

Well, it seems like we're about to take off… I want to go stand at the front and feel the wind start to move by me before I go to meet Noojster. I think he wants me to give him a tune-up again. I can't imagine it'll be easy on a moving ship, but… well, whatever the guy wants, really.

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…he didn't want a tune-up.

Man, the story about the poison on the leader of Squad Three sounded so weird. Noojster just… well, he wanted to talk. About that. And so I told him what I thought about the poison, but it sounded so stupid. I couldn't put any words to exactly what I heard and how I knew. I think he thought I was making things up to make him feel better.

But I wasn't! It's the truth! If it wasn't, I… well, no, I probably still wouldn't have let Lai fight. He was injured. And…

It doesn't matter. It's over. It's all over. Nooj didn't know why the Maesters would have had the _syacdanbecdumc_ – we didn't know back then, and still don't know now – but we did agree on one thing: we couldn't let them get them back. They came so close; I don't even know how I got onboard this ship without being searched. Lucky, I guess, or something. If they'd searched me, I would've killed them. Too bad.

But anyway, those defiled machina are gone now. Nooj stood guard, and I finally removed them from the loops inside of my pants for the first time since I put them there after that duel in the sands. They've even stayed right in place each time I've taken my clothing off, never moving, almost like they didn't want to be discovered either. The poor things, being defiled and then being put into the hands of the Maesters. I pity them. No machina should have to go through that.

We set them free. Nooj took one and I took the other, we gave them one last look-over, and then held them over the railing and dropped them into the sea. They hardly made a sound as they fell in, almost like they were happy to be going to a better place.

I can't help but to think that someday someone's going to find them, and that person will never know what the story behind them is. They'll never know that they saved the life of a young priest of Yevon… maybe the next person to lay a hand on those pistols won't even know what Yevon is. It makes me hopeful for the future, really.

After I dropped it, my hands felt so empty, and so pure all of a sudden. It was like these last days of the horrible torture of having those defiled machina on my body were just erased, and I could feel the tingling in my hands. I don't really know why or what it signifies, but the next thing I touched with that hand was Nooj's hand. It was the hand that he had dropped the other pistol with. It was like… I don't even know. The dishonor was gone now, replaced with something new. It was kind of like loyalty… I've always known I'd be loyal to Nooj, I guess, but now it was like a pact. Our honor was cleaned.

It seems so simple, but sometimes the simple things are the most important.

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We remained stationary again for a little while tonight while the sun set. I don't know why they did that, but I took advantage. I went swimming… and I took Lai this time.

We stripped down to our skivvies – yes, our skivvies – and jumped off the stern into the water below. Or, well, at least _I _jumped. Lai kind of… closed his eyes and forced himself to fall. It was pretty funny. I wonder if he's ever been swimming before. He must have, because he could keep himself afloat pretty well.

The other two didn't join us – I don't know what they were doing, but I think Nooj might rust or sink if he jumped in – and no one else seemed to feel up to swimming, but I did. I totally got Lai back for attacking me in the water when we finished the trials on Bikanel… yeah, I dunked him under the waves a few times.

Of course, the little _chyga _wouldn't stand for that, so he had to do inappropriate things to me while submerged. Not like I'm complaining. Lai can hold his breath for a long time. I wonder if he's considered Blitzball…

Before I knew it, the first moon was rising. It's quite a sight to see the moon rise over the ocean. And then… Lai said the weirdest thing. He said that he didn't want to be separated from me.

I still don't know how to take that, but at the time, I had to say something. So I admitted that, yeah, I'd kinda gotten attached to him too. It's true! I really have. I'm man enough to admit that. I've had sex with Lai more times than I've had sex with anybody else, and it's only been a couple of weeks. That says something.

I don't think it says quite as much as the fact that I can't help but to feel incredibly thankful for every time I get to touch him. I mean, he's like a blessing. It's amazing that I still have him… he should have died out there. We all should have. But somehow, we're all still alive, and that binds us in some really important way.

I don't know how, exactly, just yet… but hey, maybe we can all remain together. That'd be great, but I know it doesn't work that way. They'll probably send us off to four separate corners of Spira. But… maybe Lai and I can stay together. It's what he wants, and somehow, it's what I want too.

I can't imagine Nooj and Paine splitting up, either. So… what if we all, the three of us, refused to serve under anyone but Nooj? He'd call us stupid for doing it, but I kind of feel obligated in a way. I mean, it could work, couldn't it? They wouldn't go against their four best soldiers' wishes…

Oh, wait. It's the Maesters we're talking about. They'd be just stupid enough to do something like that.


	16. Part Sixteen

**Part Sixteen**

197S9.9.23

…

Baralai is SO DEAD.

I am NOT hanging around in this, uh, "spare" Crimson Squad uniform for the rest of… however long until he decides to give my clothes back. Last night it was fine, just dandy, because my clothes had gotten wet when water sloshed on deck while we were swimming, and no one really wants to go around with salty wet clothes, yeah? But I don't _like _wearing the standard-issue Crimson Squad uniform that they said was 'optional'. They're too tight. There's no room to hide anything.

Err, okay... so I stole it. It was just sitting in a store room underneath the deck, and I needed _something _to wear! But it's still uncomfortable!

But Baralai, that little _chyga, _stole my clothes and hid them SOMEWHERE and I want them back RIGHT NOW.

Well, I am going to sit here and stare at him until he gives them back.

Right.

I didn't even want to be filmed in them. It's embarrassing. You can totally see how small my shoulders are and I hate that. I don't want anything that's for posterity to show me like that. Ick. But Paine just wanted to have that sphere for her own personal use last night, but I guess she had some pity on me – I must look ridiculous in these dress clothes, all stiff and starched – and let me use her recorder instead. Or maybe she just wanted a recording of her with her loverboy, yeah? Probably. I don't know. But I got to use the thing, and it was a lot of fun.

Heh. Noojster as captain. He'd be good at it… all he'd have to do is stand around and glower at anybody who looks at him. I think he'd probably enjoy it.

I mean… yeah. Dr. P decided to inform all of us that she wants to pilot an airship when this is all done with. I'd've never seen that on her. But… well, yeah, I guess it'd be more interesting than running around with a camera all the time. And then, you know, it struck me… I don't know what we'd _do_ with it, but the four of us could totally run an airship. We've got everyone we need. Paine could fly it, if she knows how, Lai could guide us since he reads the stars, I could be the engineer because that would be _awesome, _and Noojster could be the captain and keep us all in line. We seemed to agree on it; well, all except Noojster, who told us he'd work us like dogs.

Not that he doesn't do that already. Heh. I'd happily work like a dog for him, as long as there weren't Maesters over him.

Anyway, it'd be a good time. And I didn't even get recorded in this goofy uniform.

Now, all I need to do is get my normal clothing back.

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Well, aren't I just the pride of the Squad now? I think everybody laughed to see me, an Al Bhed, climbing up to the crow's nest wearing the dress uniform. Well, it was better than doing it in my skivvies, even though I thought that bald Maester was going to run me through when he found me later and demanded the uniform back. I swear, Baralai's going to get it one of these days. Probably tonight. _Chyga._ I think that's my personal nickname for him… of course, it is kind of mean. I wonder if he takes offense.

He shouldn't. He knows I—

…I _what_?

…

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So, I guess the rumors about the Al Bhed gun aimed against Sin have spread to everyone else. Lai actually asked me straight-up about it just a few minutes ago… right after he got done brushing dried sea salt off my back.

He seemed troubled by it. I guess it might still be ingrained in him that Yevon and Al Bhed do not mix, ever. Well, clearly those in charge of his religion don't see it that way, if all this is true. I guess it's hard to get past the things that you've been told since childhood, even if you are sleeping with the enemy, so to speak.

He also told me that we should ask Paine about seeing if she'll get assigned to a squad with us. Apparently he doesn't want to leave her either. I think it's a good idea… because what if the three of us just refuse to go anywhere separate from Nooj? Yeah, he'd probably kill us all eventually, but man, at least that guy knows what's going on.

And… well, you know, he's not just a commander or a leader anymore. He's not just a superior. He's become my _vneaht_. That's important…

I don't know if the others feel that way too or not. I'm willing to bet they do. Why else would we want to stay together, and not only that, but to stay with him too? Maybe that's not the best way to feel within an army, but when the army is commanded by people as incompetent as the Maesters seem to be, you need to stick by those who know what they're doing. Even the Al Bhed have better organization than this.

There's Lai. He's motioning. I guess Paine wants to talk.

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Well, we didn't even have to say anything to her. She brought it right up to us. I guess she might have heard that Lai and I were planning to stick together… maybe that gave her ideas of her own.

Yeah, the three of us decided to stick with Noojster wherever he goes. Or, at least to try. I don't know how successful it'll be, but we can at least try. Then we got to talking about the newest plan of Yevon to annihilate Sin when Nooj showed up.

We all seem to be of differing opinions. It seems to make Baralai almost sad to think of his religion this way.

We spent a long time talking on the deck. I think I'm gonna miss this, if we ever are separated. Is that sappy? I don't know. But what bothered me was that Noojster seems to dread the Calm that might come from all this. It's like he dreads it because there'll no longer be a convenient way for him to die.

Well, there're always ways to die. It happens accidentally all the time. He'll just have to be creative, because I want the Calm to be here. I'd like to have peace. Maybe it'd give the Al Bhed some time to actually… I don't know… be part of Spiran society? I think having no Sin would be good because, then, the Al Bhed couldn't be blamed for it… especially if it were to be gone forever. We'd still be who we are, and Sin would be gone, and therefore the Yevonites would know that they were wrong all along.

If they could ever admit it.

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Baralai bothers me. Everything about him bothers me. But it's not in a bad way… it's in… a good way, sort of. I can't stop thinking about him. Every time I look at him, I smile. I put up with his silly pranks that, by all means, I should be perpetrating on him… but when I want to do something like that to him, I can't bring myself to do it because he'll _pout _at me. I'd give him anything he asked for, I think. Every time he approaches me at night, I can't refuse him, I want him, I _need _him there with me.

What is this nonsense? I'm acting like a fool in love.

…


	17. Part Seventeen

**Part Seventeen**

197S9.9.24

Ahahahahahah! Go figure. Here we are back on Mushroom Rock Road. Man, hearing Noojster curse like the sailor he isn't was just about the most educational experience in Spiran I've had since I started learning it. Yeah, I'm fluent and I don't think many people can really tell it's not native, but I definitely had to dig out the little pocket Spiran dictionary that I haven't had to use since I got here. Man, those were some creative words for _pufamc_. I'll have to remember them!

Yeah, so we all disembarked in a hurry – and they actually searched us this time. I guess they did it to make sure no one stole any more uniforms. I put the one I had back… it's not like I ever wanted it in the first place. I don't know why anyone would willingly steal one of those anyway.

Last night, before Baralai came and joined me in my little cubbyhole, I managed to nearly get the knife finished. It's kind of hard to work on that in plain view, since it could be thought of as a weapon and I'm sure the Maesters would take it away from me if they found it. But it's almost done, I just need to do a little bit of final work on the handle. The blade's in beautiful shape. I can't believe I managed to get it that sharp with this auxiliary tooth I had left over, but that's something to remember for the future. Maybe the different hardness of the second one worked better with the blade. I don't know, but it worked, and I'm going to remember it.

Not like I'm ever going to make another chrysknife again, but you never know.

Now, I think, I'm going to try to finish it while the others are distributing supplies. I'll tell them I'm off to catch dinner… it doesn't take very long to grab a fellant at all, but they don't need to know that.

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Why do they rush us only to make us wait? What is this garbage? What are we even waiting _for_?

Noojster admonished me for asking so many questions. I think he gets sick of me sometimes. But then he turned around and actually asked for a lubricant replacement, which I of course agreed to. I didn't get nearly as much time to do any of this while we were training, and I probably won't in the future, so I might as well take my time and do it carefully.

Of course, before that, we're going to head down to the old road and try to figure out if the place we all hung out before is still there.

Lai told me last night that he was worried it would be the last night we could spend together. I tried not to let it bother me, but I guess it still did. I mean… well, whatever. I admitted it to myself last night when I woke up and saw the ocean and the moon and, most of all, Baralai… yeah. I'm attached to him. I really am, and it's not just because I like _vilgehk_ him. It doesn't make sense and it probably really shouldn't be this way, but I think he's… _pamujat_. What's that in Spiran…? _Beloved_.

Beloved.

_Cred_. Didn't I swear several years ago that this wasn't going to happen? Okay, so maybe it hasn't been several years, but it sure feels like it. Am I really still sixteen years old? I feel like I'm thirty. These past few days… this whole Crimson Squad training thing, actually, it's all made me feel _old._

That sucks.

I guess I know it's true, though. _Pamujat_. I can tell every time we wrestle and he doesn't hurt me, when I don't actually fight him but it's just an excuse to tangle our limbs with each other's, to touch and tumble across the grass (or dirt, as the case was today) like we aren't about to face a life-threatening situation tomorrow.

At least we have one more night together before going into the final bit of training. I don't know what they plan on making us do here, but it can't be all that bad. What is there to threaten us here?

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Noojster's sure acting funny. He kept wandering around in this weird daze with… yeah, I don't believe it, but a _smile _on his face. What's up with that?

But anyway, we went down to the old shooting range I set up all those… well, days ago. It feels like years. But it was still there, and we all shot a few rounds. It really wasn't anything spectacular, aside from Paine not loading her machina properly and having it kick violently on her and knock her on her back. Ahahah. It was funny, yeah. We all laughed… well, except Noojster, who just stared and smiled. Creepy.

I taught Lai a little bit about cooking tonight. He applied some crushed plant he had found to the skin of the fellant and made it taste really salty. Of course, that's like a private thing now… when I said it tasted salty, he just looked at me and said 'like the sea'.

Yeah, that's what he said to me last night, that I taste like the sea. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but when he said it, I could hardly believe he had any sort of malicious intent. Lai never does… at least, not to me. I believe that he could easily manipulate other people if he felt like it, but he's always been _mostly_ truthful to me.

The fellant had some really little, fine, sharp teeth. Lai's gonna go off and take a bath in the pool before night completely falls – I did that the first thing today, when we got here – and while he's gone, I think I might finish my project here. He always takes a long time, anyway.

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_Cruudehk cdyn _is what it says. Oddly, the name carved on the handle looks more like a decorative inscription if anything. I wrote it in Al Bhed, but using Spiran-style lettering. It all looked so curvy and swirly that it really just looked like random designs. I wonder if Lai'll ever figure out that it actually says something.

Yeah… he came back from his bath earlier than I thought, or maybe I lost track of time. Either way, he caught me as I was finishing the last bit and brushing the chips off. I guess it could've been a lot more of a formal thing, but when he asked me what it was, I just told him it was a gift for him.

To which he blushed. I love it when Lai blushes.

I had an old leather sheath that went with a knife that's now embedded in the dead corpse of one of those sandragora in Bikanel somewhere, and it fit the new chrysknife pretty well since it was big enough to accommodate the curve of the blade, so I put them together and handed it to Lai. He acted like he didn't know what to do with it.

I guess he's never seen a blade like that before. It's a lot different from the steel blades he's probably accustomed to, and a lot lighter. Plus, it's milky white and slightly curved, because it's a tooth. I told him what it was from, and he just looked at me with this reverent awe expression that he gets sometimes when he looks at Nooj.

I told him to stop it. That freaks me out.

Anyway, he drew the blade to look at it, and immediately cut himself with it. There _is _an old legend, sorta, that says that once a chrysknife is drawn that it must taste blood before it can be sheathed. I never believed that – it's an old tale, and I never cut myself with mine – but it was almost weird how it happened. It just sliced Lai's thumb right open, leaving a trail of blood along the edge of the blade, and the knife just kinda soaked it up in the way that chrysknives do sometimes, depending on how old or young the sandworm it comes from was.

I don't know what made me do it – probably the same thing that made me take Noojster's hand after disposing of those _syacdanbecdumc_ – but I just reached forward and cut my own thumb along the edge of his blade. I left a trail of my own blood, along the line where Lai's was.

After a few moments of just staring at it, Lai asked me the weirdest question. I can still hear it in my mind, exactly the way he said it. "Aren't I just a," and then he stumbled on the word, hesitating, "battle boy to you?"

I can't believe he still thought that. I mean… did I treat him that way? I didn't think I did. He's even older than me… someone can't be a 'battle boy' if they're older. Or bigger, for that matter.

But, then again, I can't even really fault him for it. I tried my hardest to keep him as that in my own mind, too.

I told him he wasn't. His eyes glinted hopefully at me, but there were really no words. I couldn't say it. I just… couldn't. I was scared. I'll admit that… I was so scared. I don't know of what, exactly… that someone would hear, that it would insult him, that he would reject me, or… that he would say he felt the same way. I don't know what scared me more.

But… somehow, I think he understood. Even if I couldn't say it, I think he got it. That's all that matters to me.


	18. Part Eighteen

**Part Eighteen**

197S9.9.25

So this is it. This is the final test? We woke up, got the message that we were supposed to report to the lower levels of this road, down near the caves. I didn't know there were caves… I wonder if they're dangerous.

What am I saying? If those _tyshat_ Maesters are sending us there, it must be dangerous. Maybe they'll cut our legs off as a handicap this time. It'd only be appropriate.

Anyway, so now we're here. There are definitely caves, they're definitely dark, and definitely damp. Ah, perfect. Send all the recruits down into the underground to get lost for the rest of time… but make them wait for hours first to receive instructions.

Am I sounding bitter? I really shouldn't be. Last night… it was incredible. Lai continues to amaze me at every opportunity with everything he can. I don't think I ever realized that sex could be so… extended. It seemed like we were together for most of the night, never ending, never taking our hands from each other, always active, never separated. I never knew he could be so—

Ah, there's Paine. I guess Noojster finally got tired of her all cuddled up to him. I don't know, last night must've been one of those nights where everyone is on the same wavelength. Maybe… well, no, that's probably a foolish hope when dealing with a _Taydrcaagan_, but maybe she finally convinced Noojster to not try to kill himself this time.

We're all sitting around again, doing our thing, writing in each of our _zuinhymc_. I wonder what'll become of them when we're done with them? I'm almost at the end of the space I have on this thing… I need to be concise from now on. Maybe I'll just stop writing in it after this next test. I'll save it… Gippal's record of his trials in the Crimson Squad. Sound good? If I'm famous one day, maybe I'll publish it. The scandal! I bet some of the things I've written would really embarrass Lai.

Lai. He's got the chrysknife strapped to his leg, like he covets it and wants to protect it. I've had to tell him already that it's not going to break on him like an ornamental weapon, that sandworm only have four teeth for a reason. Those things do not break. I had to demonstrate by pulling out the tooth I have left – it's a little broken, but it did its job – and hurling it at the rock wall of this place. Yeah, letting out a little aggression for being back here, but I killed two birds with one stone I guess. The tooth didn't even get a scratch on it. You have to know just the right way to chip it away, the right angle to hold it at, and the right pressure to place on it in order to shape it.

I hope Lai can use it. I think it'll be the most useful weapon he's ever had, if he stops being afraid to break it. It may look pretty and delicate, but yes, it's quite deadly.

Anyway, every now and then Lai leans over and looks at what I'm writing. I don't think he quite comprehends how the _gaopuynt _works to type in the letters instead of hand-writing them. I can't stand hand-writing. I always got smacked for poor penmanship anyway…

Heh. Every now and then, Lai pokes the _nadidh _key and makes me skip a line. One day maybe he'll have one of these of his own, but I doubt he'll ever be able to type as fast as I can. That is, if he ever gets over the fact that it's machina. I think he's still kind of worried that any machina is going to explode on him.

…look at me. I just keep babbling about him. What's wrong with me?

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Well, this is it. If I die, this could be my last entry. We're supposed to fight for weapons. Fortunately, I know where to hide some of my own, and Lai's got that knife.

I have a feeling we'll make it out of this just fine, but just in case I don't – Lai, I love you.

197S9.9.26

_--So hysa ec Gippal; so rusa ec Home, eh Bikanel. E ys yh Al Bhed. E fyc y lyhtetyda vun dra Crimson Squad, pid dryd ec hu suna. Ymm naluntc uv ed ryja bnupypmo paah anycat. Drao cahd ic, dra mycd lyhtetydac, ehdu y lyja frana y cdnyhka paehk yfyedat. E's hud cina fryd ed fyc, pid ed dneat du gemm ic. Ed vemmat ajanoputo eh dra lyja fedr cdnuhk hakydeja asudeuhc; tacbyen, videmedo, yhkan, tecybbuehdsahd, naknad. Fa ymm dneat du gemm aylr udran. Syho uv ic tet. Drana yna vuin uv ic nasyehehk huf, yht frah fa asankat, dra Maesters uv Yevon crud yd ic, dnoehk du gemm ic. Fa aclybat yht fa yna vmaaehk. E tuh'd ghuf ruf muhk E'mm ryja drec, pid ev cusauha amca vehtc drec, nasaspan ic yht, ev drao'na hud ymnayto tayt, gemm dra dnyedunc uv Spira, dra Maesters uv Yevon!--_

_--My name is Gippal; my home is Home, in Bikanel. I am an Al Bhed. I was a candidate for the Crimson Squad, but that is no more. All records of it have probably been erased. They sent us, the last candidates, into a cave where a strange being awaited. I'm not sure what it was, but it tried to kill us. It filled everybody in the cave with strong negative emotions; despair, futility, anger, disappointment, regret. We all tried to kill each other. Many of us did. There are four of us remaining now, and when we emerged, the Maesters of Yevon shot at us, trying to kill us. We escaped and we are fleeing. I don't know how long I'll have this, but if someone else finds this, remember us and, if they're not already dead, kill the traitors of Spira, the Maesters of Yevon!--_

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I still have this. We're still running, but now night has fallen and I don't think they're after us. I want to take this time and some of the space I have left on this thing to set down what happened.

I don't think I even fully know. It was… whatever it was, it didn't get me.

Anyway, we ran into the cave, and almost immediately everybody started fighting for weapons. It was like someone just threw a pile of them in there and expected everyone to fight for them. We brought our own, concealed as best as we could, but I managed to pick up another gun while I was at it.

Then, they started killing each other. I don't know why, but there was gunfire and flashes of light and screaming and blood, and all the candidates were shooting each other. Bodies piled up on the ground. Pyreflies were everywhere… I thought they were from the bodies, but they had been there before, I guess.

Yeah, they had been there the whole time. It's hard to remember.

Anyway, we went in… everybody else was dead, it looked like. It was just us… Nooj, Lai, Paine, and me. We went in as far as we could, holding guns and knives at ready, and then the pyreflies started appearing in gigantic clusters. They were everywhere. I thought I heard some sort of animal snarling and coming toward us.

Then, I heard Lai shout at me… was it Lai? I don't know, maybe it was Paine, but I turned around and there was this thing flying at me. It was a weird almost human shape, greenish yellow, and I could hear it screaming. I ducked… what else could I do? I felt a hot wind as it swarmed around me like a fleet of tiny, stinging bees… and then it hit Nooj.

I can't explain what happened. They went _into _him, and it was like something attacked him from inside. He screamed and doubled over, clutching his head. We couldn't get through to him no matter how much Lai and I called to him, he didn't respond, didn't even act like he recognized us.

And then he straightened and pointed his gun right at Lai's forehead. I remember that clearly, like watching a sphere recording, clear as though it were on a screen.

I didn't know what to do. Lai… Nooj was going to _kill _Lai. And if he did, I was going to kill him.

It made sense at the time. I aimed my gun – the one I'd picked up off the floor – right at Nooj's temple. I mean, what better way to reason with a guy than by pointing a gun at his head? Yeah, I don't get it either.

But it didn't work. Lai… I don't know why or how… but he… he did it to me, too. He was going to kill me. He aimed his gun right at me, at my head, and he wasn't kidding. He was serious. We were all going to kill each other.

I don't know. I just don't know. I don't understand. I mean… we're friends, the three of us. We're more than that… we're brothers. _Brothers._ Brothers don't point guns at each other.

Then Nooj started screaming again. It's all… all really fuzzy here. I was so scared. I could taste the death in the air, feel it pulling at my fingertips and I was overcome with all these unbidden emotions… remorse for my parents being killed by Sin, regret for my stupid mistake with the engine that made me lose my eye, despair because the man I love was about to die, anger at the Maesters for putting us through this, hate for Yevon and everything associated with it, confusion regarding how I could hate Yevon but love Lai, jealousy for Nooj knowing the way machina must think and feel, homesickness for the safety of Home… those are only a few of the things that flooded through me. I don't remember all of them, but they hit me like a wave.

Is that how it feels when you're about to die? It must be terrible.

We should have all died. We should have killed each other. But… we didn't. Because Paine was there. She _saved_ us. She broke us apart… I don't remember what happened next, but I got up off the ground, leaving that damned gun there, and Lai and I dragged Nooj to the exit as fast as we could.

The whole thing is so clear, but so distant. I feel like I watched it, not experienced it.

I don't understand why it happened… but when we got out, we had to give our reports. We didn't even have time to compose ourselves. I stammered something about the negative emotions, but I don't think it made much sense. I had just almost been killed by the man I love. _Yes, the man I love._ And I had just almost killed my Commander. _Captain._

And then they told us that we had passed the test. What was it, to resist the urge to kill each other? What a reprehensible test… and they call my people barbarians! And then, no sooner had they given us our orders and we had been given three seconds to rejoice than they started _shooting _at us!

I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm typing this. It's all… so strange. I can't believe it happened, but it did – I trust my memory. And now they're most likely hunting us, searching for the survivors, wanting to kill us off too.

What are we going to do? We're refugees now, refugees from the most powerful people in Spira. I want to take them – Nooj, Paine, and Lai, I mean – back to Bikanel. We can hide there. If I give my word that they're good people, the Al Bhed will hide them. We could use a military mind like Nooj's – if he ever recovers from whatever happened to him in that cave -- and I'm sure Paine and Lai can find a place. I would reveal the existence of Home to save them.

But no, I don't think that will work. I don't know what we're going to do. No… Lai, he's crying. I have to stop this, or I'm going to weep too.


	19. Part Nineteen

**Part Nineteen**

197S9.9.25

Where are we going? I'm not as familiar with Spira as I should be. I think Nooj said we were heading for Luca, but he didn't even seem certain. I'm not really sure he can be trusted anyway.

No, I have to stop that. Of course he can be trusted. He's just deeply affected by this, as we all are.

Poor Lai. Poor Lai… I don't know how long it took me last night to convince him that I forgive him. I still don't know why he pointed that gun at my head or why he wanted to kill me, but a man brought to death… I know what it feels like now. I know. I can't say I'm comfortable seeing Lai with a gun, or even Nooj with a gun, or myself with a gun… we should all ditch these weapons and get new ones.

I still have those plans… but I can't make a weapon while I'm running like this. Always running, and with no set destination. I can't say it's bad, because at least we don't do the hurry-up-and-wait thing, at least we know we're not going headfirst into a harebrained scheme plotted by people we can't even see or touch…

No. Anything we get into now is our own doing.

We're getting near to the Mi'ihen Highroad, I think. Rin has a place there. I'll talk to him and see what he thinks, see if he has a way to get us all safely back to Bikanel. There's no better place to hide than with the forbidden people, right? Or would that merely bring Yevon's wrath down on the Al Bhed even more?

I think they might be inclined to forget about us if we went there… unless they used it as just another of their string of reasons for attacking the Al Bhed over and over again. Maybe my people won't be so receptive… but you know, if we had Noojster there to guide us, maybe we could have a chance at driving Yevon back, even taking over. I could see it working… the Al Bhed are good fighters, and we have guns and not these pathetic swords and knives and staves used by the fighters of Yevon. We could shoot them seventeen times between the eyes before they'd even get within striking distance.

Maybe I can convince them. I'll try, anyway. I'm a smooth talker, right? I can talk anyone into anything, right? Yeah, that's how Gippal works.

I still can't figure out what happened in that cave. It bothers me every second of the day, even when I'm thinking about other things… even when I'm holding Lai against me, stroking his hair, breaths away from telling him the thing that I think could make this all better…

That cave poisoned us. I don't know what was in there, but it was a foul poison, designed to make us act irrationally. That's all there is to it.

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Something's really wrong with Nooj. He was acting really funny this afternoon… I was just doing as I normally do, fixing up his parts, giving the regular maintenance that I think he's come to rely on… and he was so uncomfortable. And he was… I don't know, I guess it was twitching, though not in any way I've ever seen anybody twitch before.

But he kept… I don't really know. Something weird is going on here.

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I'm nearly out of space. This thing can't hold much more. It's almost nighttime, then we will set out on the next leg of this journey to nowhere.

I get the feeling that Nooj wants us to separate. I just want us all to get back to safety… if we have to separate, so be it, as long as we reunite again sometime soon. I want to take Lai with me, but not because I don't think he'll be alright on his own… but because I don't want to part with him.

Yes, I've become a sentimental fool. I don't care. Right now, with the way he's acting… I don't really know if he's stable. I hate to say he needs me, but I think it's true. I don't think I could forgive myself if I left him like this without knowing what's going to happen to him.

I can look back at what I've written, and sometimes (like right now) I do… and seeing what I wrote yesterday… just in case I didn't make it through, the only thing I wanted anyone to know was that I love Baralai. And yet, I can't even say this to his face.

Yet, I can take him in my arms and hold him and lie to his face by saying everything's going to be alright. How is it going to be alright, exactly? I'd like to know myself. I know that with the four of us together, we'll figure something out. But if we're not together? Then what?

How can I be there for him if we're separated?

Who will tend to Noojster's leg? Who will Paine curl up with when she's drunk?

It's hard to think about being separated from these guys… it's like they're such a huge part of my life right now that I can't imagine what I did before I met them. Maybe I really have grown up, and these three people are all I know of my adulthood… well, besides the cruelty of Yevon and that shadowy figure in the cave.

I think… yeah. I don't know what's going to happen when we start moving again tonight. I have to take every opportunity I have now, even if Baralai acts like he's scared to touch me. It's not the same. I just want him to know that I forgive him for whatever that poison did to him, but he's so… cold. I don't know how to fix it. I can fix any machina that's not working properly, but I have no idea where to start with Lai.


	20. Part Twenty

_Note: This is the last of the entries in this battered computer found amidst the Mi'ihen Ruins. There's no evidence to state what happened to the author after this time except for a scratchy video sphere depicting what the transcriber assumes to be the author's death. Oddly, a man by the name of Gippal is recorded in history as the first leader of the Al Bhed Machine Faction, though his documented existence occurs after the date on the video sphere of his death._

**Part Twenty**

197S9.9.27

We really are heading for the Travel Agency. I told Nooj that I wanted to talk to Rin about getting us all back to Bikanel, but… well, to say he wasn't receptive is an understatement. He looked at me like I was an idiot, like he hardly recognized me. The venom in his glare was more than I've ever experienced from Nooj, not even in the moments when I could tell he just wanted to spout curses at the Maesters, and it was totally different. I can't even begin to explain.

I can't explain Lai either. After Nooj tossed my suggestion to the side, I tried to go to Lai and tell him, but he… just looked at me like he pitied me. No, that's not it. He looked at me like he was completely separate from me. I don't get it. I don't get why Lai won't even touch me, why he just lays there when we should be having sex – making love – when he should be panting and trying to stifle his moaning. He just… lays there and takes it. Like it's his duty.

What have I done wrong? I tried to _save _him… what's happened to Baralai?

The only one who even remains close to normal is Paine. But… I wanted to talk to her, to see if she had any ideas as to what's going on, but she went to Nooj. Yeah, I guess he needs her.

I hate feeling helpless. _Tyshed_, I'm never going to feel this way again. I'm going to do things, and not have to stand around while someone else does it for me.

Never again.

And now, I'm going to do something about this. It might be my last chance. I have to save Lai again… but my own way this time. And hopefully it'll work better this time.

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It worked. Well, in some ways, it worked… I gave him everything I could. It was the gentlest I've ever been with him, even back when we first started sleeping together. In the shade of the trees, hidden behind some random overgrown grasses, we _lyta muja_.

Yeah, finally. We, not I to him, not him to me, but we. That's the essence of the difference, you know… I guess it's not the same for all people, but at least the Al Bhed believe this way, that there's a definite difference between _caq_ and _lygehk muja_, and that difference is… well no, I don't even know what the difference is, but what we did just now was _lygehk muja_.

_Muja_. Love. Yeah, that's a big deal.

I've realized just how big of a deal it is. With this one act, I got Lai to stop being a cold fish and to start being warm, to go back to being himself, if even just a little bit. He smiled for the first time in days.

I know that Nooj is going to insist that we split up… but I won't split up with Lai. I'll go with him as far as I can, I'll stay with him… we'll go to Luca. There we can blend in and hop a ship to Bikanel or wherever else we can go. I'll arrange it with Rin. We'll be just fine.

I am going to miss the other two, though. Nooj and Paine… Noojster and Dr. P… they'd better stay safe, the two of them. We may not be able to be together, but distance doesn't mean anything. Friendship, and brotherhood, goes far beyond that.

Sometime we'll all be together again.

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This is it.

We're going our different ways, and we can't let anybody know what happened and where we came from. We can't let anybody know we were in the Crimson Squad, that we're on the run from the Maesters.

I can't have this _zuinhym _anymore. At least, not this one. I have to destroy it.

I can't do it with my own two hands, though. There's so much here… a complete documentation of what those religious nuts did to us, what they put the Crimson Squad through, and the terrors of a reign of religion.

Hopefully someday I'll help all that be different. But for now, we have to hide until they forget about us, but I'll always be with Lai. Always. I'll help him recover from this. I'll help him get back to the real Lai, the one I fell in love with out in the desert and on that ship, before that poison in that cave got to him.

We're just about to say our goodbyes. This will be, probably, the last time I see Nooj and Paine for a while. The next time we meet, it will be for the downfall of Yevon, I know it, even though we have to work separately to get there.

I'm standing here on the edge of the Highroad… there's a river that runs underneath the bridge I'm on that leads out to the ocean. That's where you'll go, _zuinhym_, and someday someone will find you and you'll tell them the story of the atrocities of Yevon.

-Gippal, _dra baylasygan_

-- M E M O R Y C A P A C I T Y E X C E E D E D --


End file.
